My hand hurts today, but I can do this

I'm taking this Japanese thing too far...

Our office closes at 1:00 on Fridays so I was enjoying a sunny, pleasant afternoon working on my bonsai trees. I was working on the tree shown above, a San Jose Juniper and was adding more shari - a process where the bark is removed to simulate age. In the process, I stabbed myself DEEPLY (about 1 1/2" deep) in the hand with an Xacto knife and spent the REST of the day/evening getting stitches. And now I have to go see a hand specialist next week.

There is a no-longer-practiced Japanese suicidal method called Harikari (Seppuku), where a person disembowels him/herself with a samurai sword ... close ... just got my hand though.

Bonsai is SUPPOSED to be relaxing and it is. Most of the time.

All hail's breaking loose

As I write this, the weather reporters on TV are going nuts, the storm warning radio in the bedroom is honking and they're talking about possible hail - quarter-sized hail ... so I got to thinking ... how many sizes are there of hail and is there an "official" chart?

Yep, there is: NOAA, the National Old Aardvark's Association (or whatever NOAA stands for) says THIS is the official list:

NOAA Chart
Hail Size Chart
Hail Dia....Description
1/4"........Pea
1/2"........Plain M&M
3/4"........Penny
7/8"........Nickel
1"...........Quarter
1 1/4"......Half Dollar
1 1/2"......Walnut/Ping Pong Ball
1 3/4"......Golf Ball
2"...........Hen Egg/Lime (I thought hail was round)
2 1/2.......Tennis Ball
2 3/4"......Baseball
3"...........Teacup/Large Apple
4"...........Grapefruit
4 1/2"......Softball
4 3/4"- 5"..Computer CD-DVD

Then there's a not so official list:

Hail Dia....Description
0.10".......bb ball bearing size hail
0.25".......booger size hail
0.50".......rabbit turd size hail
0.75".......horse fly size hail
1.00".......prune size hail
1.50".......eyeball size hail
2.00".......raw oyster size hail
3.00".......stink bomb size hail
4.00".......fat mouse size hail
5.00+"......cow patty size hail

Someone else already did what I was trying to do:

http://www.chiprowe.com/articles/hail.html

I found so many variations on hail sizes I gave up on this article and switched over to YouTube. I wouldn't blame you if you left here now and did the same thing. I'll save you the time, just click here: www.YouTube.com

A Touching, Classic, Short Film

When I was a wee little artist back in design school, my instructor showed us this film. It's every bit as good today as it was back then.

Cold turkey - Day 1

It's been a little over 6 hours without my iPhone. I had it for 27 days and returned it to the store this afternoon because I didn't like the camera ... sure, on the 19th I get a NEW 3GS with video, double the hard drive space, twice as fast, much better camera ... but for now, cold turkey. Pacing the floor. Pacing. Can't sit still. Can't think. Still pacing. How will I ever make it 10 days without it? Must focus. My old iPhone's empty leather case is sitting here in front of me. It's taunting me ... giving me an accusing look like only a empty, leather, iPhone case can give. QUIT STARING AT ME! Must go to bed.

Same weekend, yet ANOTHER story

These things really did happen. I'm not making this up. After you read this, read the two stories below. They all happened within 24 hours of each other.

AFTER the boat launching story, but BEFORE the fishing story, we were all walking down to the lake. My friends had a big, dumb, gold dog. A great dog. But dumber'n hell. He decided to dig up a ground hornet community, or some such pissed of flying, stinging, insect herd. And they attacked. Not only the dog but anything moving, including US!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH! We had to RUN to the dock and hurl ourselves into the lake to get them to stop stinging us. OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Little did I know, there was more weirdness to come that weekend. Read the next two stories. Chronologically, the next story happened first, and the last one last ... this first story was actually second ... but you're reading backward because blogs are upside down ... story-wise. Confused? Welcome to my world. Read the next two. If you don't like them, you can have your money back.

Same weekend, same lake, different story

Same weekend as the one in the story below. This happened BEFORE the actual fishing story.

First we had to get the boat IN the lake! No problem. I was used to launching my father-in-law's small boat, he would back the trailer into the lake as I stood on the truck bumper and then I'd release the winch and float the boat off.

Uh, not this time. This wasn't my father-in-law's boat, it was my friend's and HIS trailer had rollers on it so the boat would roll off by itself. I didn't know this. But I faithfully got on the bumper and he TOOK OFF backwards! Then he slammed on the brakes just short of the lake - the kind of "fling-the-boat-in-the-lake-method". I wasn't aware of his game plan so I was still holding onto the rim of the boat when he slammed on the brakes. The rollers on the trailer did what they were supposed to do and I had to make an instantaneous decision - go with the boat or stay with the truck. I chose the boat. (I didn't know there was a rope attached to it so I was going to heroically "save" the boat.)

Engghhhh ... WRONG! It drug me off the bumper, into the lake. I was still hanging on for dear life as the boat propelled backward away from the trailer - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! He jumps out of the truck and casually picks up the rope that was tied to the boat. I'm submerged from the chest down, clinging to the boat. But I can't haul myself into the damn thing because I'm laughing like a maniac. He reeled both the boat and I in and saved the day.

And that's how idiots drown. Or get run over by a truck. Or both.

Good Buddies ...

Years ago, I got trashed at a party at a friend's house by the lake. Which friend and which lake will remain anonymous. You'll see why, read on. We were up until about 3 am partying.

5 am came REAL early - fishing time! Ugh. I love to fish. But this is ridiculous.

So off we go in the boat.

We're fishing by the bank and it's a beautiful, clear morning. The sun has just come up. Ahhhhhh, crickets cricketing, frogs frogging, ecstasy ... except for the hangover which was like 5 deranged monkeys pounding on gongs inside my head. Just REMEMBERING hangovers like that helps keep me sober today.

Not only was my brain stunned, but apparently my body was too because as I cast my bait toward the shore, my hand let go of the entire thing, not just the button, so the entire fishing rod followed the bait. Right into the lake. About 20 feet away. KERPLUNK! Shit! What a drunken ass.

We sailed, motored, whatever the hell you do in a motorboat, over toward the "last seen" location of my errant fishing rig. Fortunately I could see the rod and reel about a foot under the water. Given my physical/mental state, I didn't want to try reaching it without help because I KNEW I'd fall in the lake. So I asked my friend to hold me from behind, you know, kind of like we're ... well ... you know ... while I bent over the boat to fetch the rod (so to speak). Oh, no, he said, he wasn't doing that. Somebody might see us and think we were gay. I replied that it was 5:15 in the morning, who the hell's going to see us? There's nobody on the lake this early except us hungover idiots. Do you see anybody else? No. OK.

And sure enough, as soon as we got on our knees and I bent over in front of him and he held me tight from behind, PUTT-PUTT-PUTT comes another damn fishing boat around the point no more than 100 feet away with two good-old boys fishing. Actually, it didn't PUTT-PUTT-PUTT because they had a silent-running trolling motor. DAMN!!! I grabbed the fishing rod as quickly as I could and pretended to ignore the other guys except to give them a manly nod as they passed. 'Course there's still water dripping out of my reel as they pass by. And I know damn good a well they saw us.

Now you see why this site is called CrazeeMagnet. Another true story. I don't NEED to make up stuff.

Holey Holiday Yesterday - I MISSED IT!

Yeterday was National Donut Day and I missed the "hole" thing!!! The only reason I knew about it was Hostess sent me a special notice - yes, I'm on the Hostess mailing list (Twinkies!).

You can read all about National Donut Day by clicking here: Source: http://www.sfgate.com

OWWWW! This has GOT to have hurt!

How your brain works

Explanation of "four track" thinking.

RAM Tough - How NOT to install a RAM chip

Even if you don't know anything about computers you might get a kick out of this true story:

This was in the early 90's. I bought more RAM (memory) for my computer, but I was too cheap to pay to have it installed. After all, 4 megs of RAM cost $300 back then. I was also too cheap to buy the $8 anti-static wrist strap that would have ensured that I didn't fry the chip while installing it. But I had a game plan:

• got good and drunk, that always helps
• carefully cut open the plastic, anti-discharge bag in which the expensive chip rested. I was careful to NOT TOUCH THE CHIP as I was told static would destroy it - so far, so good
• took off ALL MY CLOTHES (completely nude) so the hairs on my body would not generate static electricity rubbing against the fabric
• picked up each bare foot and gingerly stepped across the carpet so as not to generate static by shuffling my feet on the carpet
• carefully placed one hand on the metal power source in the computer like they told me to do ... as long as I kept my hand on it, I could not discharge electricity
• with the remaining hand, carefully slid the chip out of the bag and akwardly inserted the unit into the computer slot and locked the clips
• then quickly and decisively pulled my hand off the power source

Turned on the machine and it worked! TADA! I was so proud standing there stark naked and drunk. But I installed the chip and saved $8 by not buying the discharge wrist strap.

Cool.

Cheese Cow says ...

When I was a kid, it was s STRICT rule, if you eat food, you can't go in the pool for 30 minutes or YOU'LL DIE!

I'm not a big pool-hanger-arounder, as a matter of fact, I despise pools because of a childhood trauma - I was a skinny little fart - no body fat at all. Heated pools simply didn't exist back then. My mother insisted that my brother and I take swimming lessons. Not a bad idea, but we lived all over the world, and not once did we live in a warm, tropical paradise. So getting in the pool sucked. I'd turn blue and through chattering teeth, plead with my Mom, "I'm-m-m g-g-g-going t-t-to d-d-d-d-d-d-die. D-d-d-d-don't m-m-make m-m-m-me d-d-do this M-M-M-Mom! Chatter, chatter chatter." And then I'd sink to the bottom.

You know the old life-saving trick, "If you just relax, you'll float." Bullshit. I purposely tried it many times and sank faster than the Titanic. Bones and skin DO NOT FLOAT. I'd bob like a cork now - fat DOES float.

When I "swim" ... well, picture a chihuahua loaded up on amphetamines trying to swim the length of a pool. There you go - that's me swimming. My ass stays in a boat or on shore. Period.

Back to the subject, the 30 minute rule, where the hell did that go? I've never heard it again since my childhood. Have snacks changed? Mothers know which anti-drowning snacks to purchase for the pool? "Johnny, you know you shouldn't be eating potato chips when you go swimming - have a Cheetos instead - it's drown proof."

Just curious.

In Quest of the $117 Hot Dog

My wife and I are going to San Francisco in August for our anniversary, but I was 2 points short of a free ticket with Southwest. So....

7:00 am - I flew to Chicago to get a hot dog in the Midway Airport.


7:23 am - The OJ was good, but vodka in it would have been better.

7:28 am - I got a shot of the AstroDome. The pilot must have gotten lost.

8:10 am - One of the most beautiful cities in the world and this is what I saw of it...plane asses.

8:47 - The locals weren't very friendly at first...

9:08 am - But they loosened up after a couple shots of tequila. Those boys have a problem - doing shots at 9 am.

9:17 am - The Air Force must have mistaken me for a Japanese person as they tried to attack me. Though I NEVER know what day it is at any given time, I'm pretty sure it wasn't December 7th.

9:54 am - The streets in Chicago are narrow. But you don't have to walk - they walk for you.

10:02 am - AT LAST!!! The $117 HOT DOG!!! ($107 for airfare + $10 for the hot dog). I didn't eat the jalapenos - it smells bad enough cooped up on an airplane.

10:45 am - Swallowed the hot dog and jumped back on a Louisville-bound plane.

11:07 am - Contemplating the idiocy of my actions - flying to Chicago for a Hot Dog and 2 points ... who does that? Moments after this shot, I spilled my Dr. Pepper in the leather seat next to me and all over my crotch. Now I look like I've pissed myself. And the flight attendant is NOT happy.

11:45 am - Home again. Mayor Jerry even welcomed me home. That was special. Everybody is staring at my wet crotch.

The cost of the hot dog just went up to $129 - I forgot about parking.

But I GOT the 2 POINTS!!!

This means WAR HHJH!

In retaliation for Chocolate Rain - try getting this one out of your head.