Tuesday, July 14, 2009

XXX-Rated Pugs

PC of Cake

I'm home from work today suffering, and I mean SUFFERING from "femanine itch" ... that really sucks. Especially considering I'm not a feminine, I'm a male-anine. Yesterday, the doctor prescribed a hand-formulated compound simply called, and I kid you not, "Magic Butt Cream". That, in itself, would suffice as a good story, but I'll leave that one alone. However, I can only imagine the signage for the annual shareholder's meeting,"THE ANNUAL BUTT CREAM SHAREHOLDER'S MEETING WILL BE HELD IN BALLROOM C". The name tags would be great, "HI! MY NAME IS: BOB - BUTT CREAM SHAREHOLDER".

So a good friend calls and reminds me I haven't watched the movie I just bought, Dogma. I'm laying around, can't go out in public without getting arrested for fondling myself, so sure, an afternoon movie would be great.

I hate PC's and averything to do with them. I'm an Apple-Guy to the core (pun intended). You plug in a Mac it works. And it works GREAT! ... What the hell does my dislike for PC's have to do with this story? Everything. Read on.

So I plop the disk in the bluray player and wait. And wait. And wait, wait, wait ... What seems like, and may have been, 5 minutes later, a prompt, actually more of a declaration than a prompt, appears on the screen. Yes, it's the dreaded Sony Bluray prompt, "THIS DISK CANNOT BE READ!" My itching is now getting worse.

Time for another firmware update. Bet you didn't know you had to update your software in your damn movie player every 3 months, huh? It's a friggin' PC! Of COURSE you do. So I jump on my trusty Mac to download the update. After 20 minutes of trying to decypher Sony's indecypherable site, I stumble upon the correct download for my bluray player. YEAH!I click download. A prompt appears asking me to choose WHICH PC software I'm using to download this update ... I'm on a Mac ... that is not one of the choices. Grrrrr. Off to Google-Land to see what the hell's up with that. Found it! Can't download to a Mac. Double-Grrrrrr.

Fire up my wife's laptop - it's a PC. I navigate my way back to the elusive download site and press download. The PC laptop crashes. HOLY FLYING F@@K! Restart the damn thing. Now it's decided to do it's OWN upgrade and can't be bothered to do what I want it to do until it's done. OK, another 15 minutes later, it restarted itself - can we go back to Sony now?!

Finally! I've been able to burn a frickin' upgrade disk! There are dire warnings printed on the Sony download site - they're in red and all caps with LOTS of exclamation points warning me to NOT interrupt the upgrade sequence, that once it starts, the bluray player will turn on and off repeatedly, the disk door will open and close on its own periodically, kind of like in the Exorcist. And this will go on for approximately quite a while, but doesn't tell me HOW long.

We have a kitteh, who's now famous on I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER? (search SAHTEHD KITTEH - yeah, that's him in the frying pan). He has a passion for the bluray player. He is obsessed with watching it and sometimes he will push the disk tray closed with his nose. So now I'm chasing him around the house to keep HIM from interrupting the upgrade sequence by closing the disk door.

And in the process of chasing him, I took my eye off the bluray's front panel, which has gone dark and is taunting me to remove the disk and go on about my business. But it is NOT displaying the all's clear message, "DL OK". The totally inert machine and I have been staring at each other for easily 20 minutes now, but I'm afraid to touch it.

40 minutes now. The bluray player and I are still staring at each other. Maybe if I just shoot the damn thing I can claim an intruder broke into my home, shot our bluray player and fled on foot. Then I could claim it on our insurance ... Reason for claim - intruder shot it. That should work.

I've now given up on watching Dogma. I may give up watching movies for the rest of my life after this.

I'll have to get back to you on this bluray thing later. Gotta go hit the Magic Butt Cream stash again.

Did I mention that I HATE PC's? Can't imagine why.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Clown Carnage

I can feel your pain, man.


Dear Three Beers:

THIS is David Crosby and Steven Stills BEFORE Graham Nash joined forming the famous band, Crosby, Stills & Nash.

Nobody knows what ever became of Neil Young. He was last seen in Ohio being followed by the National Guard.

Just so you know.

(information gathered from rickipedia)

Bands of the 1st Woodstock

A little known fact - in 1868, 32 people packed a farmer's field in upper New York for what was billed as "Three Jolly-Good Days of Affection and Banjo Music".

However, by nightfall of the first day, all 32 of the audients had left. Undaunted, the musicians got drunk and played on for three days, man. Three days. It was far out.

Tragic News Flash!

July 12th, 2009 - This just in ... tragedy ocurrs today in California NAPA Valley ...

The Frut of the Loom characters were making a guest appearance at the annual Wine Makers Conference when a case of Monty-Pythonic-Divine-mistaken-identity tragically squashed the fruity characters. Said Leaf's wife, "I can understand the Fruits getting whacked, but poor Leaf, he was just an innocent bystander! You can hardly even see him in the pic, in the pic, (sobs) in the piiiicturrrre, BWAHHAHAHHH! My poor Leafie!"

The families of Green Grape, Purple Grape and Apple, have all asked that any donations of sympathy be given in the form of Fruit Punch to the NAPA Valley Orphans Association. One anonymous family member sobbed pathetically, "The b-boys have already g-g-given their ALLLLLL!"