Saturday, August 15, 2009

The war becomes Hi-Tech

If you're one of the two people that reads this blog (I'm the other one), then you may remember that someone, or more likely, someTHING, has been stealing my bonsai trees. I've escalated the war and am employing hi-tech, surveillance and early warning systems.

A "Wrath of God" motion detecting, twin-Halogen floodlight system guaranteed to burn out the little bastard's retinas at the slightest
movement. And another motion detecting alarm with the control center right next to my bed so I can jump up when the alarm goes off and catch the culprit red-handed, or red-pawed, as the case may be.

Couple of problems though:

I haven't figured out how to make the twin-Halogen floodlights come on only when there's motion, thus surprising the intruder ... so as soon as it gets dark outside, the damn lights, ZAP!, come on surprising no one but doubling my electric bill. And apparently I've managed to screw up the alarm system because it activates three or four times a night if there's the slightest breeze (apparently it's breezy at 2, 3 and 4 a.m.) I LEAPT out of bed and looked out the back window the first couple of nights when the alarm went off at 2. And then again at 3. And 4. Oh, screw this. Now I just cuss at it when it goes off.

No more trees have vanished but my sleep sure has. I can say I have the best lit back yard in the neighborhood though. That's something to be proud of, right?

Friday, August 14, 2009

Beer was clearly involved

Yes, I'll be goin' to San Francisco. I'm going to wear some flowers in my hair. Yep, we're goin' to San Francisco, I hope we meet some gentle people there. And because it's Summer in San Francisco, maybe there'll even be a love-in there.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Oh Holy Crap

Step away from the clown. Just DO IT, kid!

Imagine if ...

There has been controversy for decades about "colorizing" black and white films. I agree completely that if the director shot the film in black and white, leave it the hell alone. It's GREAT the way it is!

But let's twist that around and imagine if the ENTIRE film, The Wizard of Oz, had been shot in black and white ...

100+ Munchkins singing, "Follow the graaaaaaay brick road. Follow the graaaaaaay brick road" ... just doesn't have the same ring to it.

"Why, that's a horse of a different shade of gray" ... nope, ixnay on the gray orsehay.

"Why, all you have to do is just click your monochromatic slippers three times and keep repeating, 'There's no place ...' " Uh, no.

Some things are just meant to be in color.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Spiderman. Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can.

A lab tech drew a syringe full of nasty stuff from a miniature nuclear reactor and stuck it in my arm today (radium, or something similar, for a scan I was having). I asked him, "If I get bit by a spider while I'm laying here with that radioactive stuff in me, will I become Spiderman?" He chuckled. I didn't. I was serious.

Much better

The first 2/3 of today was really, REALLY screwed (doctors and lab technicians poking me with sharp, pointy things). As you can see, the end of it is going much better.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Coast Guard Unravels Evil Plot

The US Coast Guard foiled an Al-Qaeda attempt to attack Boston via a Trojan Frog today. Unsuspecting Bostonians had drug the giant, life-like amphibian ashore on Friday but became suspicious when the Trojan Frog was overheard whispering in Arabic, "Al lachnlan mala wee wee." "SHHHHHH!" (translated - "I need to pee." "SHHHHH!")

Coast Guard officials declined to comment on the incident other than to say, "It's a good thing we got them when we did ... city officials had planned to take the falicious, giant frog to the zoo. God only knows how much damage they could have inflicted from there." - THE BOSTON BUGLE

This Just In ...

Squirrel forces have engaged the assistance of hostile insurgents in the ground war against my bonsai trees. Obama vows to halt the masked marauders. - UPI

War on Terrorism Expanded to My Neighborhood

President Obama gave the OK today for military involvement in the war on squirrels that are stealing my bonsai trees. Reliable ground sources confirm that the fuzzy-little-rats have been sneaking in at night, cloaked by darkness, and have been stealing my cute, little trees. The clever rodent bastards have been making it appear that the thefts were the work of Al-Qaeda. Said President Obama, "Their reign of terror MUST end! I will see to it that no tree is left unprotected." - AP News