Saturday, March 14, 2009

Thank you God, for PacMan

Odd statement, I know. But I'm having major surgery in 4 days and the better my surgeon was at playing PacMan when he was a kid, the better the outcome will be on Wednesday.

I had the very first electronic game - Pong. And have played my fair share of every other game invented since then. I'm a gaming nut. As a matter of fact, if I had every quarter I ever dropped into those damned machines ... I'd probably be sitting here doing the same thing I'm doing right now because I'd have spent it on some other vice instead. Who am I trying to kid?

Anyway, I'm SO glad that Dr. B's Mom and Dad let him freak out on those games because he's going to be ridding MY little universe of Invaders next Wednesday using basically a BIG EXPENSIVE game controller called a da Vinci Laproscopic Robot, or something like that.

May the Force be with you, Dr. B. Now go get those little bastards!!! I hope you get a free game.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Bright Yellow Corn

Though I've bitched a lot about Vegas, this IS the view from my hotel room. I guess there IS some bright yellow corn in the crap after all.

That's not exactly how you stated it, but thanks, Mike!

Overheard at dinner in Vegas

I try (again) to eat a peaceful meal in Vegas and read my book. No suits this time, at least they weren't wearing them ... but some of them showed up in plain clothes. So this dumb ass sits down three tables away and immediately becomes the center of the universe. He says, and I quote, "You know, I was returning from New Dehli and one of those Korean or Japanese bellhops opened my door - I don't know if he was Japanese or Korean because, you know how they all look alike..."

I suspect the Chinese waitress that was serving him soup was probably offended by his dumb-ass, racist remark. But that's just a guess. Dumb-Ass had made the "all look alike" statement as if the waitress wasn't even there, like she was invisible.

Yes, I'd returned to my favorite Chinese restaurant in the hotel and though I'm sure the waitress WAS an American citizen, she spoke very broken English and I'm pretty certain was of Chinese heritage. She did NOT look Korean, nor did she look Japanese.

I promptly went into "want-to-kick-the-ever-lovin-shit-out-of-Dumb-Ass" mode.

I wanted to casually walk over to the Dumb-Ass's table, pop off his BAD toupe, dunk it in the koi pond, then put it back on his head, and remark, "Yeah, and all wet f**ks look alike too, ass-wipe."

Instead, I did nothing. Which is something for me.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

So I was walking back to my room at the Frontier Hotel when ...

Oh shit. I'm afraid it was ME that left the hair drier turned on or something. My complete First Season of Miami Vice was in there too.

How much do I dislike Las Vegas?

First off, I don't drink alcohol, so that pretty much eliminates HALF of what you can do in Vegas for free. Wanna Dr. Pepper? You're gonna' pay out the ass for it. They WANT you to drink alcohol because it makes you stupid and makes you bet money in the casino. I don't NEED alcohol to make me stupid. I do fine on my own.

So here's the short list of reasons I hate Vegas (ones I could think of in 10 seconds, give me time and I could write pages):

1. I left the chord half of my computer chord at home, NOT the part with the expensive converter box on it, just the simple chord part. They want TEN DOLLARS A DAY for a chord here. I could BUY the f**king chord for $10 if I didn't have to spend $50 for a cab to get away from the hookers and hotels to get one. Grrr. Obviously, I broke down on the last day and paid. Because:
2. I'm bored out of my damned mind!!!! Honest to God, last night I was contemplating sexual acts that Gummy Bears could perform that I could photograph and put on the blog ... only problem, I was bored and ate all the Gummy Bears - nothing sexual either, mind you.
3. I TRIED to be a good boy last night. I really tried. I left the show after my work was done to eat dinner, read a book, watch a movie and sleep. Vegas won't let you do that. NONE of the restaurants open until 5:00, even if you stand outside their door whimpering like a puppy (I tried). And it's a 1/2 mile hike from the restaurants through the casino to the far end of the tower and up to my room. So I sat at a penny slot machine. That can't do much damage, huh? $60 later, and not MUCH later, I might add, it's STILL not 5:00 and I'm still starved and am back at the restaurant whimpering at the front door. This time it worked and he seated me 15 minutes early. Since it was a Chinese restaurant, I bowed repeatedly. He didn't bow back and looked at me like I was weird.
4. I'm trying to relax and eat my Chinese food and in walk three suits ... salespeople. I have nothing against salespeople except they're usually loud and obnoxious. These were. I eyed my chopsticks with the possible intent of homicide. What a cool story that would have made. "Crazed Pizza Guy Viciously Slays Loud-Mouthed Suits with Chopsticks While Reading Samurai Book in Chinese Restaurant. Spends Night in County Jail with Transvestite Hookers Awaiting Arraignment."
5. This is a GOOD thing, but not something you see everyday - there's a tee pee set up INDOORS, just outside the casino in the hotel I'm staying in. I'm going to see if I can get my room transferred to the teepee - it's the only REAL thing I've seen in Vegas. The RES2009 Reservation Economic Summit & American Indian Business Trade Fair "N2N" is going on. Lots of incredible jewelry, clothing and pottery. I bought a tiny, tiny pot with a big, big price. It's beautiful. Navajo. Seed pot. There ARE a couple of GOOD things in Vegas. But not many.
6. It takes a small car loan to go see a show here ($150 and UP!) - PLUS the $50 cab drive to get TO the show. So no shows for me.
7. There's NO COFFEE maker in any of the rooms. You have to pay for that. About $6 a cup. Hookers? Yes, THAT you can have in your room. As long as she's not carrying a coffee maker with her.
8. The television in my room gets the networks, remember those? The Donkey Channel and The Everything for a Dollar Channel. And oh yes, of course, the ANYTHING-YOU-WANT-TO-DO-IN-VEGAS-IF-YOU-HAPPEN-TO-HAVE-A-BAZILLION-DOLLARS-CHANNEL.
9. They have soft drink machines that accept credit cards. I shit you not. So theoretically, if you only paid the monthly minimum due on your Coke, after 2 years, with credit card interest, you could wind up paying $720 for that Coke. Bite me Vegas.
10. Forgot to pack your deodorant? No problem. There's a drugstore a mere 3 blocks away ... I made THAT mistake ONCE years ago. Vegas blocks are not human blocks. They are VEGAS blocks. Each block is about 100 football fields long. It requires advanced training and maybe even supplemental oxygen to make the perilous trip. Should you be brave and athletic enough to make the trip, you then must face the gauntlet of porno purveyors ... the homeless, drug-users, prostitutes, pimps who line the sidewalks, spaced-out (literally) every 6 feet (I do not exaggerate) handing out "for a hot night" pamphlets. Ahhhh, you made it to the drugstore. Deodorant, deodorant, there it is ... $13.99!!! Instead, your new, affordable game plan becomes to stuff a couple of free hotel soap bars up your arm pits and be done with it. Now you have to make the perilous, empty-handed return trip to your hotel. In short, it's not worth it.

If you're like me, and you don't have a lot of money and you find yourself dumped in Las Vegas, you're screwed. I paid for the $10 power chord and my $14 internet, so for $24, this is actually the CHEAPEST way to get through a Vegas night.

This place sucks. Take me hooooooooommmmme, country roooooooodddssss, to the plaaaaccccceeeee, I bellloooooooonnnnnnnngggggg.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Thank you God for not sending me to Catholic School

Obscure Definition

Gregarian Monks

1. Monks that like to hang around together in a herd-like group. As opposed to Gregorian Monks who like to sing together in much smaller groups.

Gregarian, Gregorian Monks

1. Monks who hang around together singing in whatever size groups.

They've taken all the fun out of flying

I used to carry my BITEURASS BADGER® 46" Chainsaw and my GETYUR BUTTMOVIN BESSIE BRAND® Cattle Prod in the overhead compartment. Next to my thermos of plutonium. I guess those days are gone for a good reason though.

This bird's got more soul in one feather than I've got in my whole body

Sue's in the living room watching a guy with flies flying around him lassoed to tiny, tiny threads in 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil' and I'm in here dancing with a bird that's kickin' ass to Ray Charles. Just your normal evening around here.