Thursday, March 12, 2009

How much do I dislike Las Vegas?

First off, I don't drink alcohol, so that pretty much eliminates HALF of what you can do in Vegas for free. Wanna Dr. Pepper? You're gonna' pay out the ass for it. They WANT you to drink alcohol because it makes you stupid and makes you bet money in the casino. I don't NEED alcohol to make me stupid. I do fine on my own.

So here's the short list of reasons I hate Vegas (ones I could think of in 10 seconds, give me time and I could write pages):

1. I left the chord half of my computer chord at home, NOT the part with the expensive converter box on it, just the simple chord part. They want TEN DOLLARS A DAY for a chord here. I could BUY the f**king chord for $10 if I didn't have to spend $50 for a cab to get away from the hookers and hotels to get one. Grrr. Obviously, I broke down on the last day and paid. Because:
2. I'm bored out of my damned mind!!!! Honest to God, last night I was contemplating sexual acts that Gummy Bears could perform that I could photograph and put on the blog ... only problem, I was bored and ate all the Gummy Bears - nothing sexual either, mind you.
3. I TRIED to be a good boy last night. I really tried. I left the show after my work was done to eat dinner, read a book, watch a movie and sleep. Vegas won't let you do that. NONE of the restaurants open until 5:00, even if you stand outside their door whimpering like a puppy (I tried). And it's a 1/2 mile hike from the restaurants through the casino to the far end of the tower and up to my room. So I sat at a penny slot machine. That can't do much damage, huh? $60 later, and not MUCH later, I might add, it's STILL not 5:00 and I'm still starved and am back at the restaurant whimpering at the front door. This time it worked and he seated me 15 minutes early. Since it was a Chinese restaurant, I bowed repeatedly. He didn't bow back and looked at me like I was weird.
4. I'm trying to relax and eat my Chinese food and in walk three suits ... salespeople. I have nothing against salespeople except they're usually loud and obnoxious. These were. I eyed my chopsticks with the possible intent of homicide. What a cool story that would have made. "Crazed Pizza Guy Viciously Slays Loud-Mouthed Suits with Chopsticks While Reading Samurai Book in Chinese Restaurant. Spends Night in County Jail with Transvestite Hookers Awaiting Arraignment."
5. This is a GOOD thing, but not something you see everyday - there's a tee pee set up INDOORS, just outside the casino in the hotel I'm staying in. I'm going to see if I can get my room transferred to the teepee - it's the only REAL thing I've seen in Vegas. The RES2009 Reservation Economic Summit & American Indian Business Trade Fair "N2N" is going on. Lots of incredible jewelry, clothing and pottery. I bought a tiny, tiny pot with a big, big price. It's beautiful. Navajo. Seed pot. There ARE a couple of GOOD things in Vegas. But not many.
6. It takes a small car loan to go see a show here ($150 and UP!) - PLUS the $50 cab drive to get TO the show. So no shows for me.
7. There's NO COFFEE maker in any of the rooms. You have to pay for that. About $6 a cup. Hookers? Yes, THAT you can have in your room. As long as she's not carrying a coffee maker with her.
8. The television in my room gets the networks, remember those? The Donkey Channel and The Everything for a Dollar Channel. And oh yes, of course, the ANYTHING-YOU-WANT-TO-DO-IN-VEGAS-IF-YOU-HAPPEN-TO-HAVE-A-BAZILLION-DOLLARS-CHANNEL.
9. They have soft drink machines that accept credit cards. I shit you not. So theoretically, if you only paid the monthly minimum due on your Coke, after 2 years, with credit card interest, you could wind up paying $720 for that Coke. Bite me Vegas.
10. Forgot to pack your deodorant? No problem. There's a drugstore a mere 3 blocks away ... I made THAT mistake ONCE years ago. Vegas blocks are not human blocks. They are VEGAS blocks. Each block is about 100 football fields long. It requires advanced training and maybe even supplemental oxygen to make the perilous trip. Should you be brave and athletic enough to make the trip, you then must face the gauntlet of porno purveyors ... the homeless, drug-users, prostitutes, pimps who line the sidewalks, spaced-out (literally) every 6 feet (I do not exaggerate) handing out "for a hot night" pamphlets. Ahhhh, you made it to the drugstore. Deodorant, deodorant, there it is ... $13.99!!! Instead, your new, affordable game plan becomes to stuff a couple of free hotel soap bars up your arm pits and be done with it. Now you have to make the perilous, empty-handed return trip to your hotel. In short, it's not worth it.

If you're like me, and you don't have a lot of money and you find yourself dumped in Las Vegas, you're screwed. I paid for the $10 power chord and my $14 internet, so for $24, this is actually the CHEAPEST way to get through a Vegas night.

This place sucks. Take me hooooooooommmmme, country roooooooodddssss, to the plaaaaccccceeeee, I bellloooooooonnnnnnnngggggg.