Saturday, April 25, 2009

So where were you, Keown? WTG AMANDA!!!!

I showed up for the Mini Marathon. No Keown. Probably scared. But I ran anyway. No sense wasting that week of training. Damn thing is, Keown beat my time by 30 minutes and he wasn't even there. By the way, I ran the 13 mile course in a little over 32 hours and 6 minutes. I didn't bother with the seconds.

My daughter, who really DID run the race, ran a bit faster. Smarty-pants! 2:11:16

WAY TO GO, AMANDA!!!! We're VERY, VERY proud of you!

Why I don't own a hedgehog

My Top 10 Red Bull Induced Bucket List:

1. Drive an Indy Race Car til I piss in my diapers.

2. Fly upside down in a plane til I puke. (A plane that's SUPPOSED to be upside down)

3. Sky dive from 10,000 feet and scream like a little girl.

4. Play just ONE round of roulette with only ONE $1,000 chip. AAAAAARRGGHHHH!

5. Shoot a bazooka at a tank. And hit it.

6. Shoot one of those really cool WW2 machine guns at a tank. And hit it. Repeatedly.

7. Use the restroom in the International Space Station while reading Antiques Quarterly.

8. Ride the Vomit Comet in a Darth Vader outfit.

9. Take a ride in a jet really low through mountains like in Top Gun ... High-way to the Danger Zone - dun, dun-dah-dun - Ride in-to the Danger Zone

10. Stand before a crowd of my peers to accept the nation's top Graphic Design Award, as the crowd comes to a hush, take the award, wipe my butt with it, put it back on the podium, say, "Nahhhhhhh," and walk off stage. Yep, George C., Marlon and I - we all hang the same way.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Back in a Flash

Something I learned the hard way...

When lighting a gas grill, if it doesn't light from below (like it's supposed to), with the lid closed... don't open the lid after 22 unsuccessful attempts to light it from below and try to light it from above with a match. It WILL light. But so will you.

All my wife and friend saw from inside the house was a bright, yellow flash through the kitchen window and they heard a dull WHUMP! A few moments later, I staggered in the door smoldering. My eyebrows were still smoking and I smelled like burnt dog.

Just a Smokey the Bear Safety Tip from dumbass me to you, "Only YOU can prevent eyebrow fires."

I've been training for the Mini Marathon...

...I did it this week while Keown was's a surprise, don't tell him... I'm gonna' whoop his ass by a good half hour...I'm ready...

...oops...sorry, that wasn't my photo...

...THIS is my I was saying, I'm ready for the Mini Marathon. Bring it on, Keown.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

It's Watching Me

I put this pug card on my desk at work today.

I thought it was cute.

It was a mistake.

It's been watching me. And has become judgmental. And overly critical. I can do nothing right.

It just stares. And stares. And stares.

Go away judgmental pug.

Wait. I've been here 8 1/2 hours. I'll go away.

Problem solved.

But it will be here in the morning.

Just staring.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How to move your freezer without hardly trying


1. Take off your shoes and socks.
2. Go in your basement and face your clothes dryer (which is across the basement, directly opposite the freezer you wish to move, about 12 feet away).
3. Be sure your bare feet are touching the bare concrete floor.
4. Be sure the clothes dryer is plugged into it's 220-volt electrical socket and that it's crackling with energy like a scene from Frankenstein, BOO-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAHHHH!
5. Bend your knees and carefully stretch both arms around the 220-volt electric clothes dryer like you're going to move it - like it's your bestest buddy and you're giving it a big buddy-hug.
6. Accidentally touch the 220-volt connection behind the dryer with your hand while standing barefoot on the concrete.
7. You will likely not notice the truck that hit you as you are instantaneously BLOWN 12 feet backwards, across the room and slammed against the freezer you wished to move in the first place.
8. Moments later, after you regain consciousness, you will notice a distinct odor - THAT is the smell of burned body hair. YOUR body hair. PROBABLY even your nose hairs.
9. You will also notice that the freezer has been moved back 3 feet from its original position. Unfortunately, though, it now has a body-shaped impression in the front of it. YOUR body-shape.

BUT!!! - - - You've achieved your goal of moving your freezer without hardly trying. Congratulations. Stupid.

Monday, April 20, 2009

YESH, day 1 at the Flying Flamingo Motel