Good Buddies ...

Years ago, I got trashed at a party at a friend's house by the lake. Which friend and which lake will remain anonymous. You'll see why, read on. We were up until about 3 am partying.

5 am came REAL early - fishing time! Ugh. I love to fish. But this is ridiculous.

So off we go in the boat.

We're fishing by the bank and it's a beautiful, clear morning. The sun has just come up. Ahhhhhh, crickets cricketing, frogs frogging, ecstasy ... except for the hangover which was like 5 deranged monkeys pounding on gongs inside my head. Just REMEMBERING hangovers like that helps keep me sober today.

Not only was my brain stunned, but apparently my body was too because as I cast my bait toward the shore, my hand let go of the entire thing, not just the button, so the entire fishing rod followed the bait. Right into the lake. About 20 feet away. KERPLUNK! Shit! What a drunken ass.

We sailed, motored, whatever the hell you do in a motorboat, over toward the "last seen" location of my errant fishing rig. Fortunately I could see the rod and reel about a foot under the water. Given my physical/mental state, I didn't want to try reaching it without help because I KNEW I'd fall in the lake. So I asked my friend to hold me from behind, you know, kind of like we're ... well ... you know ... while I bent over the boat to fetch the rod (so to speak). Oh, no, he said, he wasn't doing that. Somebody might see us and think we were gay. I replied that it was 5:15 in the morning, who the hell's going to see us? There's nobody on the lake this early except us hungover idiots. Do you see anybody else? No. OK.

And sure enough, as soon as we got on our knees and I bent over in front of him and he held me tight from behind, PUTT-PUTT-PUTT comes another damn fishing boat around the point no more than 100 feet away with two good-old boys fishing. Actually, it didn't PUTT-PUTT-PUTT because they had a silent-running trolling motor. DAMN!!! I grabbed the fishing rod as quickly as I could and pretended to ignore the other guys except to give them a manly nod as they passed. 'Course there's still water dripping out of my reel as they pass by. And I know damn good a well they saw us.

Now you see why this site is called CrazeeMagnet. Another true story. I don't NEED to make up stuff.

Holey Holiday Yesterday - I MISSED IT!

Yeterday was National Donut Day and I missed the "hole" thing!!! The only reason I knew about it was Hostess sent me a special notice - yes, I'm on the Hostess mailing list (Twinkies!).

You can read all about National Donut Day by clicking here: Source: http://www.sfgate.com

OWWWW! This has GOT to have hurt!

How your brain works

Explanation of "four track" thinking.

RAM Tough - How NOT to install a RAM chip

Even if you don't know anything about computers you might get a kick out of this true story:

This was in the early 90's. I bought more RAM (memory) for my computer, but I was too cheap to pay to have it installed. After all, 4 megs of RAM cost $300 back then. I was also too cheap to buy the $8 anti-static wrist strap that would have ensured that I didn't fry the chip while installing it. But I had a game plan:

• got good and drunk, that always helps
• carefully cut open the plastic, anti-discharge bag in which the expensive chip rested. I was careful to NOT TOUCH THE CHIP as I was told static would destroy it - so far, so good
• took off ALL MY CLOTHES (completely nude) so the hairs on my body would not generate static electricity rubbing against the fabric
• picked up each bare foot and gingerly stepped across the carpet so as not to generate static by shuffling my feet on the carpet
• carefully placed one hand on the metal power source in the computer like they told me to do ... as long as I kept my hand on it, I could not discharge electricity
• with the remaining hand, carefully slid the chip out of the bag and akwardly inserted the unit into the computer slot and locked the clips
• then quickly and decisively pulled my hand off the power source

Turned on the machine and it worked! TADA! I was so proud standing there stark naked and drunk. But I installed the chip and saved $8 by not buying the discharge wrist strap.

Cool.

Cheese Cow says ...

When I was a kid, it was s STRICT rule, if you eat food, you can't go in the pool for 30 minutes or YOU'LL DIE!

I'm not a big pool-hanger-arounder, as a matter of fact, I despise pools because of a childhood trauma - I was a skinny little fart - no body fat at all. Heated pools simply didn't exist back then. My mother insisted that my brother and I take swimming lessons. Not a bad idea, but we lived all over the world, and not once did we live in a warm, tropical paradise. So getting in the pool sucked. I'd turn blue and through chattering teeth, plead with my Mom, "I'm-m-m g-g-g-going t-t-to d-d-d-d-d-d-die. D-d-d-d-don't m-m-make m-m-m-me d-d-do this M-M-M-Mom! Chatter, chatter chatter." And then I'd sink to the bottom.

You know the old life-saving trick, "If you just relax, you'll float." Bullshit. I purposely tried it many times and sank faster than the Titanic. Bones and skin DO NOT FLOAT. I'd bob like a cork now - fat DOES float.

When I "swim" ... well, picture a chihuahua loaded up on amphetamines trying to swim the length of a pool. There you go - that's me swimming. My ass stays in a boat or on shore. Period.

Back to the subject, the 30 minute rule, where the hell did that go? I've never heard it again since my childhood. Have snacks changed? Mothers know which anti-drowning snacks to purchase for the pool? "Johnny, you know you shouldn't be eating potato chips when you go swimming - have a Cheetos instead - it's drown proof."

Just curious.

In Quest of the $117 Hot Dog

My wife and I are going to San Francisco in August for our anniversary, but I was 2 points short of a free ticket with Southwest. So....

7:00 am - I flew to Chicago to get a hot dog in the Midway Airport.


7:23 am - The OJ was good, but vodka in it would have been better.

7:28 am - I got a shot of the AstroDome. The pilot must have gotten lost.

8:10 am - One of the most beautiful cities in the world and this is what I saw of it...plane asses.

8:47 - The locals weren't very friendly at first...

9:08 am - But they loosened up after a couple shots of tequila. Those boys have a problem - doing shots at 9 am.

9:17 am - The Air Force must have mistaken me for a Japanese person as they tried to attack me. Though I NEVER know what day it is at any given time, I'm pretty sure it wasn't December 7th.

9:54 am - The streets in Chicago are narrow. But you don't have to walk - they walk for you.

10:02 am - AT LAST!!! The $117 HOT DOG!!! ($107 for airfare + $10 for the hot dog). I didn't eat the jalapenos - it smells bad enough cooped up on an airplane.

10:45 am - Swallowed the hot dog and jumped back on a Louisville-bound plane.

11:07 am - Contemplating the idiocy of my actions - flying to Chicago for a Hot Dog and 2 points ... who does that? Moments after this shot, I spilled my Dr. Pepper in the leather seat next to me and all over my crotch. Now I look like I've pissed myself. And the flight attendant is NOT happy.

11:45 am - Home again. Mayor Jerry even welcomed me home. That was special. Everybody is staring at my wet crotch.

The cost of the hot dog just went up to $129 - I forgot about parking.

But I GOT the 2 POINTS!!!

This means WAR HHJH!

In retaliation for Chocolate Rain - try getting this one out of your head.

Tisk, Tisk, Tisk. Caught you.

In response to: HotHotJapanHot on Holiday

Jesco, the Dancing Outlaw talks about eggs

I saw a documentary on Jesco White, The Dancing Outlaw years ago. It was funny at the time. There might have been some drinking involved though.

Cheese Cow's night job

Cheese Cow says ...

Disoriented Cow Disease

Vintage Wrestling Footage of YESH

Yesh is the little one with the pigtails. Mean little cuss.

Nobody - NOBODY can tell me that wrestling isn't real. Look at the body slam Yesh puts on that Sumo guy. Restling Rocks!

The Challenge - shoot a decent photo with an iPhone

Demonic Burgers Found at Local Eatery

Sue and I BOTH saw them, two demonic faces staring back at us from one of my Roadies. Don't get me wrong, Logan's Roadhouse is one of our favorite spots and I ALWAYS get Roadies. Today, I only ate two of the three though. This one was photographed and left untouched. I considered bringing it home and selling it on eBay, but decided NOT to tempt the Prince of Darkness.*

I saw the face in the middle first. He kind of looks like a cartoon version of Richard Nixon. Sue saw it too and then pointed out the one on the left, the one laying down. That one's even scarier and more realistic looking than the other one.

I'll be dropping by the drugstore tonight for Exorcist pills - they could have gotten into my chips too. You never know.

(*Joking aside, I was full, don't boycott Logan's, their food is GOOD!)