Monday, March 30, 2009

Electric Grocery Cart Drag Racing

This, of course, is NOT an electric grocery cart. But I LIKED the idea.

Having just had some nasty surgery, I'm having fun with all the various types of electric carts at the different stores. Some are much better than others. The one yesterday at Kroger had like an elephant-sized bump on the front tire so as the tire rotated it would thumpa-thumpa-thumpa nearly demolishing all my surgeon's fine work.

The horns, in general, really suck as they sound more like digital watches going off - beepie-beepie-beepie - than a horn. I may buy one of those battery powered truck horns in Walmart, you know, the kind that sounds like an 18-wheeler and strap it to the shopping cage on the cart...NOW let some woman cut in front of me again! AAAOOOOOOOGAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Kids are FASCINATED by people in carts. So I show off. I pride myself in being able to "thread the needle" and drive the suckers through impossibly small spaces at top speed. But I cut it a little too close the other day and WHAM!!! I smacked the rear bumper hard on the frozen squid case. No kids watching though - thank God. But the fact is irrefutable that a 55 year old guy, wearing diapers, driving a shopping cart irresponsibly so as to thrill little kids speaks VOLUMES toward my mental condition. Maybe I should start seeing that shrink again.

So yesterday a guy pulls up next to me in a matching cart. He was a bit older than I. Looked kind of like a Viet Nam vet. Actually his hat said he was. I looked like I worked for a pizza magazine, my hat said so. I eyed him. He eyed me. I looked at his cart. He looked at mine. I was sizing him up. I began planning, "I unplugged my cart when I came in the store so I've got a FRESH charge. Even though it DOES go thumpa, thumpa, thumpa, it's pretty fast. I wonder if he got one that was just lined-up against the wall? Thus MINE would have MORE POWER!" I COULD TAKE THIS GUY! So there we sat in front of the Fresh Fish counter side by side with a clear shot down the back aisle at Kroger. You can't rev your engine in those things or I would have. You could smell the tension in the air, either that or it was the fish or my diapers. The Miami Vice theme song was roiling through my loins. I was READY to put the pedal to the metal and ROCK AND ROLL. I'm gonna' WHOMP THIS SUCKA!!! ... then he had the bad manners to order fish. Well hell, I'm not waiting around for him to get his order, I gotta' PEE! THIS drag race is officially CANCELED!

I headed off toward the Depends section. Thumpa, thumpa, thumpa ... disappointed, but winner by default.


YESH said...

If I see you in a Wal-Mart electric cart .. I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.

bonsairick said...

I don't think Dodge makes 'em, but bring it on big boy.