Saturday, February 28, 2009

I said I'd feed the cats and dogs while you were gone, but you didn't say anything about the raccoon ...


I came home from a shopping trip tonight and noticed a kitty litter jug in the yard. That's nothing unusual around here. But I decided to go grab it before the neighbor started giving me the evil eye. And oddly enough, decided to actually DO something with it after I'd fetched it rather than just tossing it in a corner. Yes, I'm one of those neighbors you dread having next to you.

First, understand that the city of Jeffersonville made, I repeat MADE us buy these HUGE, $60 trash cans that closer resemble minivans than they do trash cans - I mean they are CAVERNOUSLY HUGE! Fortunately, they have an EASY-OPEN, hinged top on them so I didn't mind making a trip to the can with the kitty litter jug.

So I flung open the lid of the trash can and tossed in the kitty litter jug and just as I did, I caught a slight movement out of the corner of my eye inside the can.

Garbage isn't supposed to move, my brain told myself.

Then my brain told me to shut the can. I did as my brain ordered. But I rebelled against my brain as the synapses began to align and a picture of what I'd seen began to take shape - fur, striped tail, another, smaller brain telling ITSELF IT didn't see anything EITHER. To stay still, maybe the big pink thing that hit it in the head with the plastic jug would go away.

I opened the can quickly. YEP! And slammed it shut.

What do I do? There's a raccoon in my trash can!

I used to work for the Humane Society in another city and even though raccoons are cute as hell and we convince our kids as such by giving them stuffed dolls of them, those little suckers can be VICIOUS. And carry rabies. I've seen them pissed.

But it's cold out here, I'm freezing, back inside to figure out what to do. Maybe he/she will be gone when I go back (bounce to the future - no, he/she was still there - I don't think it can get out of the HUGE can).

There's plenty of food in there for it to eat, so I may have to leave it in there overnight until I can figure out what to do. I sure as hell don't want to try anything at night.

But I just KNOW, I'm going to forget that the damned thing's in there. And I'm going to take out the trash tomorrow and scare the piss out of myself AGAIN!!! Maybe I should leave myself a note tonight before I go to bed. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll hang it on the door:

NOTE TO SELF:

RACCOON IN TRASH CAN.
FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO.

SIGNED:
SELF

PS. WRITE NASTY LETTER TO CITY ABOUT THOSE OVERSIZED, $60 RACCOON TRAPS THEY SOLD US.

2 comments:

joshkeown said...

I iz in ur trashcanz eating yourz foodz

bonsairick said...

Josh, buddy, you can come in and have a burger if you'd like. You don't have to hang out in the trash can, Doofus.