WELCOME SKYLAR EVE!!!

Our second grandaughter (4th grandchild), Skylar Eve, finally wiggled on into the world this morning at 6:17. Everyone is doing great! She has strawberry blond hair like her Grandma Sue-Sue!

*Note: photo is simulation. No babies were harmed in the making of this post.

Southern Hostile-tality

So my coworker and I are driving today from New Orleans to Mobile Alabama for business. We're taking our sweet time so I'm driving 60-65 mph in a 70 zone. Other drivers are blowing past us like we're sitting still.

Just ahead, there's a car going slower than me. It's an Alabama State Trooper. I don't like passing cops, but he was going well under the speed limit and so was I. So no harm, no foul.

I'm past him and still in the left passing lane when I see him accelerate up behind me. Now he's following close behind. WTH??? Jeremy and I were doing and/or carrying NOTHING illegal. But we're starting to freak out ... we've both seen Smokie and the Bandit. And it's not like were driving a slick-looking car, it was a putsy rental for God's sake.

He drops back a bit and we sigh a collective sigh of relief. But I see him accelerating in the right lane now and he pulls right up beside us and matches our speed. At this point I can't even draw a breath, I'm getting so nervous and we've done NOTHING wrong. But I'm sure as hell not going to make eye contact (which is probably what I SHOULD have done - I have no clue WHAT he wants us to do!).

He backs off again allowing me to finally move back into the right lane. And now he accelerates up to the LEFT side of the car and matches speed. Now I'm getting pissed. You wanna' pull me over for whatever, flip on your lights and DO IT! But quit screwing with me. Guy could have caused a wreck. When he wasn't blocking the lanes, other people were continuing to fly past us. He didn't give a shit about that, he's busy playing tag with us Yankee Boys.

Eventually he dropped back and vanished in traffic. Though I'm glad we didn't get pulled over, I'd love to have known what that turkey was up to.

Welcome to friggin' Alabama!

Why I don't go to movie theaters

Three reasons:

1. My wife and I have built a home theater system with full, window-shattering surround sound, bluray, and a 50" 1080p monitor. Suck THAT, Mr. Cinema! We can BUY two films for the price of seeing ONE in the cinema. And we can stop the film to take a piss, thank you very much.

2. When we go to a theater, we ALWAYS, without fail, get the most obnoxious people sitting behind us that kick our seats, and TALK through the whole damn film!!!

3. True story: up until yesterday, the last time I was in a theater was to see "Hunt for Red October". And this is why: the film, Hunt for Red October BREAKS with about 2 minutes left to go and rather than fix it, the theater just turned on the house lights and everybody got up and left ... WTF!!! I'm not going ANYWHERE until I see the end of the friggin' movie or I get my money back! So I hunt down the manager. I express my concern and demand - HIS solution? - he says, and I quote, "Oh there was only two minutes left, you didn't miss anything important" and he proceeds to tell us what happens in the missing two minutes!! SHUT UPPPP! I seriously doubt the director of the film intended that the closing scene be delivered by some polyester-wearing punk being paid five bucks an hour! Idiot.

After I ranted and raved for 5 minutes, he finally agreed to give us our money back AND a free pass for a future film. Like I said, I didn't go back to any theater again until yesterday. Showed them, huh?

A field trip to the Cinemas

My grandson wanted to go see the new animated flick "9" yesterday. Sounded like fun - I haven't been to a theater since "Hunt for Red October" was released. Yeah, it's been a while. There's a reason why I stopped going and I'd forgotten until yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. Spending "guy time" with my grandson was WAY COOL! And the animation was AWESOME. Unfortunately, the script was as transparent as Saran Wrap. But being with my Bud and the animation made it worth every cent.

I was to find out that it would cost LOTS of cents. LOTS and LOTS. A second mortgage worth.

We went to the early matinee. The last matinee I went to was, well, uh, in 1965 - Goldfinger. Cost then? 25 cents. Cost for two of us to see "9" - $14!!!

Oh, screw it. It's only money. (You know, whoever came up with that saying probably had a LOT of IT!)

A movie is NOT a movie without popcorn. Right? Of course, back in 1969, popcorn was 10 cents. Not knowing what sizes S-M-L would actually be, volume-wise, I ordered a LARGE. A truck backed up to the counter, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP and dumped a load of popcorn into a grocery bag. Cost - $14!!!! Had the Native Americans known the true value of teaching the Pilgrims how to pop corn, they wouldn't have done it and there would be roadside stands today featuring Pocahontas Popped Corn. History would have been rewritten.

So into the movie we go, grocery bag o' corn in hand.

About 30 minutes into the film, I discover that scientists have been toying with the genetics of popcorn. Popcorn has now been engineered as such to instill MAXIMUM thirst in a MINIMUM amount of time. I go to the consession stand for further fleecing. My eyes SAW the price of a SMALL soft drink on the menu, but my brain blocked what it had seen as being impossible. The woman hands me the drinks and mutters, "AID dollup spleez." having no clue of what she just said, I asked her to repeat it. She did. "Eight dollars, please." .... for two SMALL drinks?! I didn't ask to have 20-year old bourbon in them, just ice, water, corn syrup and flavoring.

So back in the theater I go. Climbing the steps wasn't too hard this time, even with the drinks in hand, probably the absense of weight caused by the absence of money.

But you know what? Doesn't matter. I had a GREAT TIME with my buddy. And THAT makes it all worth while.

A guy and his talking cat...

Ever seen a show with a fellow that owns a cat that talks, drives a Schwan's truck, plays bridge, drinks "scotches and sodas" and is one bad-ass quilter??? Oh yeah, and she (Pearl) has a sexy Russian accent.

Meet my coworker, Josh Keown, and his cat Pearl. Josh and a bunch of other very talented folks have produced a 6-part Internet video series called, "The Pearl and I", that's running on Funny Or Die. The first episode aired on 09.09.09 - oddly enough on the day that was proclaimed, "NO CATS ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB DAY". God, I love the web.

Here's the link to The Pearl and I:

The Pearl and I

Check it out and vote Funny! Josh needs the votes. He's actually a poor black child in Oomboobway Africa. For every Funny vote he receives, his cat Pearl will be given a single piece of Kibble. So, in a way, the kitty's life and a little black boy's happiness depend on YOU! Vote NOW ... helping a destitute and his kitty is a GREAT WAY to get your weekend started.

This evening's project

A Ficus Too Little cascade.

Hmmmm...

Not sure which is stranger - the truck in the tree - or the guy on the ground - my money's on the guy.

A Major Award

Charmed and Dangerous

So YOU'RE the person that reads my blog! Thanks, Charmed. I will cherish this always. It's obviously Italian, probably from Fragile, Italy. A major award ... I've never won anything like that before.

I'm speechless, which is EXTREMELY rare.

Thanks!

Having Grilled Buffalo ...

... but this photo just ruined it ... it's TOO FRIGGIN' CUTE!

Now I feel like a murderer.

Apple replaced my water-logged iPhone!

And this one's waterproof! However, it only gets the Disney Channel on the internet and will not allow me to watch anything other than G-rated YouTube videos.

My wife paddling a wii canoe

God forbid our house ever floods.

Japanese 12-Step Program

"Buddha, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference."

How to stop terrorists for $1

Chinese finger traps. Note: will NOT work on Chinese terrorists.

Notice the Doorknob

Now notice what's NEXT to the doorknob.

The doorknob I ALMOST opened!

AAAAARRGGHH! Look at the size of that sucker. He/She is, uh, no longer "with us". But not without a fight ... It chased me (really) ... Then I chased it and then the cycle repeated several times.

According to wikipedia, it was probably a deadly black mamba spider from deepest, darkest Uganda. Either that or a common wood spider from Jeffersonville. My money's on the mamba. Scared the poop out of me.

New Indian name

I was once given the Indian name, "Loses Keys at Check In". For some strange reason, even with all the travel I do, I haven't lost a single room key in decades (I probably shouldn't have said that.). So it's time for a change. My new, self-assigned Indian name is, "Destroys iPhone in 90 Days". It's appropriate.