And this was much better than most. They brought me double portions - WOO-WOO! (Note: contents may have settled during transit.)
13 years ago
Friday, August 28, 2009
I LOVE hospital food!!!
And this was much better than most. They brought me double portions - WOO-WOO! (Note: contents may have settled during transit.)
Discovered a creative way of getting out of going to work on a Friday ...
Go to the hospital instead! They even feed you - not very quickly - but they DO feed you.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I HATE PLUMBING!!!
Probably because I can't do it.
Our bathroom sink is completely clogged. So I tried plunging it. After three DAYS of fruitless plunging, I'd managed to slosh 90% of the water out of the sink and onto the floor. Partial success. Big mess. But the sink was (is) still clogged. I poured the nastiest drain cleaner I could find, the stuff with a skull and crossbones on the label, into it and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Tried plunging AND the drain cleaner. Poured the whole damn bottle in there. Nothing. Got pissed off and decided to get away from it all for awhile and let my blood pressure lower. Came back and the drain cleaner has eaten the plunger. Yes, it has started dissolving it. WTF? It won't dissolve the clog but EATS the damn plunger!? So now there's partially melted, black rubber, mixed with green, nuclear-toxic fluid in my sink and I'm afraid to touch it. It might bite. I think it's alive.
This is why I NEVER do plumbing.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Our bathroom sink is completely clogged. So I tried plunging it. After three DAYS of fruitless plunging, I'd managed to slosh 90% of the water out of the sink and onto the floor. Partial success. Big mess. But the sink was (is) still clogged. I poured the nastiest drain cleaner I could find, the stuff with a skull and crossbones on the label, into it and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Tried plunging AND the drain cleaner. Poured the whole damn bottle in there. Nothing. Got pissed off and decided to get away from it all for awhile and let my blood pressure lower. Came back and the drain cleaner has eaten the plunger. Yes, it has started dissolving it. WTF? It won't dissolve the clog but EATS the damn plunger!? So now there's partially melted, black rubber, mixed with green, nuclear-toxic fluid in my sink and I'm afraid to touch it. It might bite. I think it's alive.
This is why I NEVER do plumbing.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Open Auditions
Death, you know, aka the Grim Reaper? ... the guy all dressed in black? ... comes to visit all of us eventually? Well Old Grim's been doing his thankless task since humans first invaded the planet. And not only has he been performing his duty for millions of years - he does it night and day, 24/7/365. That's a LOT of overtime.
So he's decided enough's enough and he's retiring next week.
His job cannot be left vacant however or the Earth's population would implode. Therefore, auditions for his replacement are being held this weekend (9-6 Sat. and 9-5 Sun.).
Job requirements:
- You MUST look good in black
- You MUST be able to ride a gallant steed
- You MUST be available for night and weekend work
- Familiarization with the scythe is a plus
Mere mortals need not apply.
Goths will be turned away at the door.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Crisis in Jeffersonville
We're still in California and just got urgent word that there's a crisis brewing in our backyard. Seems the racoons are demanding that we release their leader, whom we captured last week as he was trying to steal another one of our bonsai trees. They say that if we fail to release him - the neighbor's kitten get's whacked. Sorry, Kitty, but you're goin' to that Great Litter Box in the Sky.
Ain't never goin' home
GeoTagged, [N37.77803, E122.43096]
Sue and I, having reverted back to our inner hippie-dom here in San Francisco, have taken up eating seaweed, donning sandals, wearing flowers in our hair and chanting protests in the public square ... "SCREW LOUISVILLE, WE AINT NEVER GOING BACK! SCREW LOUISVILLE, WE ..." until we got arrested - now we've started an eating strike at the jail (it's the opposite of a hunger strike - you eat SO much they can't afford to keep you incarcerated). But the jail threw us out and told us to just "Get the Hell out of town."
Ingrates.
"HELL NO, WE WON'T GO! HE'LL NO, WE WON'T GO! ..."
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Quiet on the Set!!
1980-ish, I was art directing a photo for an ad i was designing for a hotsie-totsie restaurant. The restaurant owner didn't want to spend the money on paid models, so he called about a dozen of his equally hotsie-totsie friends to be in the ad.
Trying to direct a dozen non-professional models, three servers and a guy preparing Flaming Bananas Foster tableside was a REAL bitch! But everybody was finally arranged exactly the way I wanted them so I spoke the magic word - "SHOOT!"
What happened next ranks right up there with the Michael Jackson/Pepsi Commercial Fiasco - only ours happened years before Michael's ...
As I hollered "SHOOT!" the servers began serving, the fake customers did their best to look real and the guy fixing the Bananas Foster poured the liquor into the hot tableside pan. And it exploded. The pan had gotten too hot while waiting for me to perfect the expressions and positioning ... so the liquor combusted and blew all over the place setting a ficus tree, the carpet and a female customer's hair on fire!
In less than 2 seconds my beautiful photo decayed into carnage! The poor woman's husband was beating on her head, another customer was dousing the tree with his drinking water and the Bananas Foster guy was madly stomping out the carpet fire.
And I'm standing there slack-jawed - HOLY CRAP!!! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???!!!
They put out the woman's head and thank God she wasn't burned or injured. Her hair was smoldering when she ran her fingers through it and out came a HUGE clump of blond hair. The place smelled pretty rank too - the kind of smell produced only when fine food and burning human hair are combined.
After taking 20 minutes or so to recompose herself, she brushed her hair the best she could and bravely carried on.
In the final version, if you look real close, she is staring down the Bananas Foster guy with a "Do-it-again-and-you-will-die" look.
Trying to direct a dozen non-professional models, three servers and a guy preparing Flaming Bananas Foster tableside was a REAL bitch! But everybody was finally arranged exactly the way I wanted them so I spoke the magic word - "SHOOT!"
What happened next ranks right up there with the Michael Jackson/Pepsi Commercial Fiasco - only ours happened years before Michael's ...
As I hollered "SHOOT!" the servers began serving, the fake customers did their best to look real and the guy fixing the Bananas Foster poured the liquor into the hot tableside pan. And it exploded. The pan had gotten too hot while waiting for me to perfect the expressions and positioning ... so the liquor combusted and blew all over the place setting a ficus tree, the carpet and a female customer's hair on fire!
In less than 2 seconds my beautiful photo decayed into carnage! The poor woman's husband was beating on her head, another customer was dousing the tree with his drinking water and the Bananas Foster guy was madly stomping out the carpet fire.
And I'm standing there slack-jawed - HOLY CRAP!!! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???!!!
They put out the woman's head and thank God she wasn't burned or injured. Her hair was smoldering when she ran her fingers through it and out came a HUGE clump of blond hair. The place smelled pretty rank too - the kind of smell produced only when fine food and burning human hair are combined.
After taking 20 minutes or so to recompose herself, she brushed her hair the best she could and bravely carried on.
In the final version, if you look real close, she is staring down the Bananas Foster guy with a "Do-it-again-and-you-will-die" look.
THAT was a mistake
I KNEW I shouldn't have told Sue about the sea lions at Pier 39... she adopted ALL of them and they're flying home with us on Friday. We're going to be needing more fish sticks in our freezer.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Observant Fellow
Three Beers, you were right again. There were no sharks in the previous photo. My mistake. However, I went back and yelled, "ANY SHARKS OUT THERE?" and shot another photo just for you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I knew there was something strange about my wife...
The strange craft landed behind her, two creatures that looked JUST like Sue got out, came over, they all twittered, looked at me and collectively muttered, "Engh." Then they got back in the Mothership and left. Except Sue. Apparently she's been given the daunting task of studying intelligence on this planet. Or in my case, the lack thereof.
Women are from Venus and men are from ... well ... uh, Louisville.
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