Friday, March 6, 2009

This is probably the weirdest damn thing you'll ever read

I'm not quite sure how to write this one, but I simply MUST write it. Today I had an experience unlike any I've EVER had before. If you've read any of my posts on this blog, you'll know this is saying a lot. But how do I go about telling you what happened today without:

A. Getting kicked off Blogspot


B. Grossing you out completely

Here goes, I'll be gentle.

I opened and closed a rose today AND made a bird chirp repeatedly with just my butt.

... while I watched it all on a video screen. Sort of the like the weirdest video game you could EVER imagine. How did you do this, you ask? Actually, you probably aren't asking that, but I'll tell you anyway. This is where the telling gets tricky.

My physical therapist, we shall call her Inga because I swear she used to work for one of those Communist Block countries and could torture information out of Jack Bauer. Anyway, Inga straps a few electrodes to well, let's say, "down south" and fires up the computer.

And then she asks, "Would you like dolphins or roses with birds?"

"Excuse me?" I hadn't read about dolphins or roses and birds in my literature.

"You can choose dolphins or roses with birds for your bio-feedback. I like the roses and birds, but some guys don't like the sound the birds make."

"OK," said I, "my wife and I have 17 birds in our house – 2 of them are cockatoos, they make more noise than you can imagine so I doubt that will bother me. Let's do the birds and roses. But what am I supposed to do?"

Oh God was I was sorry I asked that.

Remember when you were in grade school and you really-really-really had to go to the bathroom but the mean teacher wouldn't let you go, and no matter HOW much you waved your hand he/she still wouldn't let you so you had to HOLD IT!? Same theory here.

When the computer told me to "WORK" (with a Japanese accent) I had to well, uh, tense those same muscles to make an animated picture of a friggin' rose close on the screen and a stupid bird chirp for 10 seconds. The better I tensed, the tighter the rose. If I didn't tense the damn bird was silent - smug, little, feathered bastard. Then the Japanese voice told me to "relax". And the better I "relaxed", the more the rose opened and the stupid bird shut up. I'm freaked out by the whole thing so during the "relax" part, the rose, rather than opening up and staying open, looks more like a fan fluttering in the breeze. OPEN DAMN YOU!!! So much for relaxation.

Then of course, the little Japanese voice was on me again like a Drill Sargent, I'm chanting sing you damn bird, SING!!! Now I want to KILL the bird. "Relax" says the Japanese Drill Sargent. Relax? How the hell do I do that? My butt's in the air for the world to see, Inga's typing away over there, a bird's chirping only when it wants to, the rose is spastically opening and closing and I've got wires attached where no guy ever wants wires attached. I've become a human Playstation 3!!!

But I AM getting to open and close a flower with my butt. Now I'm wondering if that's how God does it some times. I mean He's GOT to be busy with a GAZILLION other things to do every SECOND, "Oh I'll just open that flower with my butt since my hands are full." Not that I'm God or anything. But maybe in a super-mini-microcosmic sort of way, I've had a teensy-weensy taste of what it's like to have that much power. I can control a flower with my butt ... wow ... AND a bird. I think I'll run for President. I'm highly qualified now.

Can't WAIT to see what Inga has in store for me next.