One of these days...

... the loving, mild-mannered Pug is going to get tired of our shit and is going to turn on us and slaughter the entire human race for dressing them up in stupid costumes.

Our personal pugs have never suffered the injustice of wearing costumes. They ate theirs.

HELLO! ... HELLO! ... HELLO!

After hours, when the receptionist has gone and the phone rings, there's a guy in my office that scurries around yelling officiously, "HELLO! ... HELLO! ... HELLO! ..." like the person calling is going to hear him.

But then again, we ALL have to be a little nuts to work there.

My research has led me to believe ...

I’ve just completed exhaustive scientific research
and have concluded that:

Sea monkeys are clearly not monkeys.

On the left is a sea monkey.
On the right is a wet monkey.

There is no comparison.

The making of a sociopath

When I was a kid, it was fashionable to give kids baby chickens or ducks or rabbits or various other sort of doom-destined creature for Easter. None of them survived. It was a cruel tradition, one I'm glad to say, has gone away. But I wanted and got the cutest little Easter chickie when I was about six. He slept with me. I called him Red.

My Dad was overseas, so at the time, we were living with my great-grandparents on a huge, adventure-filled farm in Ohio.

As Red got bigger, he outgrew the house and had to go live with the other chickens in the hen house. Man could that boy crap.

Then one day, my Grandmother called me for dinner. Home fried chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans picked fresh out of the fields. Um-um. It was good.

After the meal, Grandpa let me know it was MY rooster that we had eaten. BAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

At that exact moment, I metamorphosized from a mild-manner kid to a rant-raving sociopath... THEY ATE MY PET EASTER CHICKEN. IS NOTHING SACRED?

I hold nothing against my grandparents. They were good, loving farm folks and that's just the way they did things on the farm. The saying, there can only be one rooster in the hen house is not just a saying. I found that out that day.

There's a game on tonight?

Damn, Walmart was busy. Everybody was talking about "the game". Am I missing something here? Really. Nobody ever tells me anything.

I want to have this man's child

Our lights are back on!!!!!!!!!

Damn Ducks

Missing!!! Help me please!!!

I made a snowman today. I named him Bob. We became friends. Good friends. I went inside to fix him a snow cone and when I came back outside, he was GONE! Someone had kidnapped him.

I'm pretty sure the kidnapper has buried him alive. I'm offering my collection of Barry Manilow CD's as a reward (one of them is scratched but it plays OK except for the track "...and I need you today oh, Mandy... oh, Mandy ... oh, Mandy ... oh, Mandy ...").

I just want Bob back. Sniffle.

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow - Frank Zappa

Dreamed I was an Eskimo
Frozen wind began to blow
Under my boots and around my toes
The frost that bit the ground below
It was a hundred degrees below zero...

And my mama cried
And my mama cried
Nanook, a-no-no
Nanook, a-no-no
Don't be a naughty Eskimo
Save your money, don't go to the show

Well I turned around and I said oh, oh oh
Well I turned around and I said oh, oh oh
Well I turned around and I said ho, ho
And the northern lights commenced to glow
And she said, with a tear in her eye
Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow
Watch out where the huskies go, and dont you eat that yellow snow

My Latest Hobby

I was going to take up take up Naked Alligator Wrestling, but changed my mind.

The Time Warp

I remember doing the TIme Warp
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Let's do the time warp again...
Let's do the time warp again!

The last thing I remember was my wife dancing around the ballroom in the opposite direction of everyone else and a Klingon playing one hell of a lead guitar on stage. I mean, this alien was CRANKIN' out the Time Warp! (I HATE that song.) Picture the famous bar scene from Star Wars, only add about 1000 more overweight aliens and now imagine all that in the ballroom of the New Orleans Hilton. Ugly thought, I know, but that's the way it was. Humor me, please.

Then my face turned red and I couldn't breath any more. Ack.

... 2:25 a.m., World Science Fiction Convention, Our Honeymoon, New Orleans, LA

... 2:35 in a cab, on the way to the Tulane E.R.

... 2:50 Tulane E.R. Ack. Ack. Can't breath. Ack. Red as a beet. Ack.

Shot of epinephrine. Shot of adrenaline. OK now.

Moral of story: Ate 8-1/2 dozen raw oysters in 5 days. Discovered am allergic to oysters. At least in LARGE quantities. Didn't know that until now.

Yes, it really was our honeymoon. And yes, there really was a Klingon playing lead guitar. Not a hallucination.

Tip for CAT scan operators...

I had a CAT scan two weeks ago and as I was leaving the room, I glanced into the operator's room and saw one of my images on the screen...

If YOU are an operator of a CAT scanner, here's a handy little tip:

DON'T LEAVE SHIT ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN FOR PATIENTS LIKE ME TO SEE!

I have no idea what I saw on the screen because I'm NOT a f**king doctor, but I'm now thoroughly convinced I have malaria, bubonic plague, VD, a telephone pole lodged in my liver, a fatal disorder of the appendix (which I've already had removed), AND cancer of the spleen, whatever the hell a spleen is. And I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant, though I'm a male.

Please, please, please, take the damn images OFF THE SCREEN before hypochondriacs like me leave the room! Armed with ZERO medical knowledge and a 10 second glance at a CAT scan, I'm now searching the internet to determine what rare and insidious diseases I have before I get my results THREE weeks from now! AAARGGGHHHHH!

It's probably nothing ... you know, it DID kind of look like Pac-Man.

Back again

Out of my funk.

Not sure what that was all about.

Yes I am. Life moves on.

It's never too early to start shopping for a Derby hat

And I think I may have found it.

When Pugs Don't Pay the Phone Bill ......... Part Duex

Sorry, had to pull this one out of archive for a repeat. Our pugs Shimpaku, Jiang Wei, and Tokoname.