Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm going to hell for this one...

When I was in art school, I had to take a few academic classes, not many, but a few. They were a real pain in the butt. Things like English, Psych, that kind of stuff. We also had to take a few "electives". I whimped-out and took an adult-education painting class. Considering I was an art major, I'm surprised they let me get away with that, but it slipped through the system somehow.

Basically, it was an evening class attended by Indianapolis senior citizens that wanted to learn how to paint. I didn't really know how to paint, still don't, I'm a graphic artist and work with a computer. Anyway, I never went to class and took it pass/fail which meant all I had to do was get a D and it was the same as getting an A, I got full credit for the class. So I showed up for the first class and the last one.

So long story short, it was the night before "finals" for the class and I hadn't started on my project. I'd done a 3-dimensional painting for another legitimate class earlier in which I'd stretched canvas over wooden shapes. The resulting canvas looked kind of like a snail-azoidish-thingy. It got me a B in 3-D class, so why not rehash it for this class? Okee-dokee. I spray-painted it metallic silver. I also spray painted my platform clog shoes silver to match (gotta' have matching shoes and painting, right?). I then took two light reflectors and inserted a blue bulb in one of them and a red one in the other. I popped the lenses out of my cheap sunglasses and replaced the lenses with heavy blue and red gels in each of the eyeglass holders. And prepared my speech.

Off to class I went wearing my metallic silver, platform clogs. They were SO cool.

I carefully measured off 10 feet from the canvas on the floor and placed a strip of tape on the floor. This was the "observation line". I placed the blue light on one side of the canvas and the red one on the other side. When it was my turn to present my painting, I turned on the colored lights and had the instructor put on the colored glasses and stand on the "observation line" which I explained had been carefully calculated to produce the optimum three-dimensional effect.

There stood this poor instructor wearing these stupid looking red and blue glasses. The glasses and lights actually did nothing. Nothing at all. The canvas looked only slightly dimensional from any distance with or without the glasses and lights.

But after a few moments pause, she studiously stated, "I see it, I can see what you've done now. I can see the dimensional effect." She declared it fine art.

And it was at that point. I knew I was going to hell.

Everyone in the class took turns putting on the glasses and taking turns saying, "OOOOOO" and "AAAAHHHH". Some of them muttered that they couldn't see what everyone was talking about - I scoffed at them.

A couple of the REAL painting students were hanging around that night slumming and I remember being ashamed. So ashamed. They just gave me the knowing Evil Eye.

And Mam', if you're out there reading this now, I APOLOGIZE from the bottom of my heart. I'm truly sorry. What a jerk I was.