Wednesday, December 24, 2008

How to properly wrap a Christmas present

It would be helpful at this juncture if you would start humming something like Frosty the Snowman to yourself as you read this... OK... doing it?... go:

1. Arrange all your materials before you begin. You will need:
- Wrapping paper (no, wax paper is NOT a substitute, though aluminum foil DOES have a festive feel if you find yourself in a last-minute pinch)
- transparent tape (duct tape is NOT a good substitute, nor is chewing gum)
- scissors
- a prefab bow (you don't EVEN want to try to make one of these suckers on your own)
- box for the present
- and the present, of course

2. Have a shot of bourbon. It will help set the holiday mood.

3. Roll out the paper and set the box on the paper. What? The paper keeps rolling up on itself? Have another shot of bourbon. This won't help keep the paper flat, but it will calm your nerves. Really, this is a simple task.

4. Set the box on the edge of the paper and as you roll out the paper, simply slide the box down the length of the paper. Voila!

5. Where the hell are the scissors? Did you look under the paper? There they are.

6. Cut the paper as straight as you possibly can.

7. OK, now fold the paper up until both sides overlap. What? The edges of the paper don't meet let alone overlap? Oh, crap you cut it too short! Have another shot of bourbon.

8. Repeat steps 4 through 7, but this time, roll out enough paper to wrap a Toyota.

9. OK! So now the paper overlaps. The next part is simple. But you should probably have a shot of bourbon to prepare yourself. Follow closely now, it's pretty easy: Crease the edge of the paper along the edge of the box, but fold the edge at exactly a 45 degree angle and then fold that edge at a 90 degree tangent to the perpendicular edge of the edge upon which you're working. Tape down that edge to the box. Now repeat that with the edge that is 180 degrees opposite of the edge you've just completed. When done with those two folds, if you've calculated your 45 degree angles precisely, there will result an equilateral triangle at the base of the side on which you are working. Simply fold that flap up 90 degrees and secure it with tape. You've just completed one side.

10. Have another shot. YEEHAA!

11. Look at the other side of the box, yes you get to do that side too. Repeat step 9.

12. Sure, do step 10 again too. YEEHAA!

13. Almost done! Try to remove the sticky paper from the back of the bow. Can't do it can you? Go get the sharpest knife in your kitchen. Try to insert the knife between the sticky stuff and the paper backing. Oops, now you've cut yourself. Have another bourbon as you bleed on the bow. And the package.

14. Stick the damn bow on the package, blood and all.

15. There the damn thing's all done.

16. Look over on the coffee table and notice that the present is NOT inside the box your just wrapped.

17. Finish the bottle of bourbon, wrapping the present in aluminum foil. It IS festive.

Merry Christmas, EVERYONE!