It's Almost Derby Time

Derby fashion etiquette dictates that I can't wear the same hat twice so I'll be selling the hat and live sushi ear rings to one lucky shopper.

The Crack

I just spent two days in the hospital and was surprised that it had wooden floors. I thought that was like against hospital laws or something. Just how sterile can you actually get wood?

There was this big trench-like crack in the floor next to my bed. I stared at that crack night and day. I imagined what sorts of nasties might be lurking in that crack waiting to get me. Demerol helped feed my imagination. But the crack was real. We stared at each other day and night.

I think I'm going to go burn the socks I was wearing.

My wife's a black belt, a Texan AND she's Scottish - so DON'T piss her off

Here's a short film of what her Scottish buddies do for fun. They throw heavy things. Like telephone poles. Like I said, don't piss her off.

How to piss off your wife. And your sponsor. And your sponsor's wife. And just about everyone else you know.

1. Wake up at 1:00 am feeling like someone's stabbing you in the gut with an icepick. OW! OW! OW!
2. Sneak off and drive yourself to the Emergency Room so as not to disturb your slumbering sweetheart. And while you're at it, don't call anyone else either.
3. Call your slumbering sweetheart at 5:30 am, after being diagnosed with acute appendicitis, surprising her that you're NOT in the bedroom, that, unbeknownst to her, you're being wheeled off to surgery and inform her that you want your organs to be donated to science in the event you die.

This is a GREAT way for your wife to start the day and is pretty much guaranteed to tick her off. She will then call your sponsor to rat on you. Who will then tell his wife. And after you recover from surgery, your wife WILL kick your ass. Then the sponsor and his wife will kick what's left of it. Then your other family and friends, who you didn't call for help either, will pick up the remaining pieces of your ass and kick them too.

I deserved it. Really. I learned my lesson. I just didn't want to impose. The next time I get a hangnail at midnight, you're ALL getting a call. Except you, Dear. I'll let you sleep. Heh, heh, heh...

How to freak out your opthamologist

1. Have a retinal reattachment surgery.
2. Prepare a fake ping-pong eyeball before your checkup.
3. Go in for your final post-surgical checkup.
4. Put the ping-ping eyeball in your eye before the doctor comes in the room.
5. As the doctor comes in the room and asks, "So how are we doing now?" Say, "Not so hot."

Doctors love this kind of shit. Mine did anyway.

PS. This post has nothing to do with my earlier ping-pong balls and ceiling fans post other than the fact I had a lot of ping pong balls laying around so I cut one in half. It had a little spaghetti on it.

How to liven up a boring party

Ping pong balls and ceiling fans. Trust me. It's relatively safe and will liven up ANY party.

Also, spaghetti and ceiling fans, though it's somewhat messier. Just be sure the spaghetti is cooked or you could put an eye out - kind of like an exploding porcupine.

How to freak out a bartender on St. Patrick's Day and yourself the next morning

Go to a bar on Saint Patty's Day and order a Zima (do they still make that crap?) and then add green food coloring that you've secretly brought into the bar with you. When the bartender comes by, commend him/her on the green Zima. Back when I did that, 15 years ago, the bartender freaked out and started yelling at me, "WE DON'T SELL GREEN ZIMA! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT? YOU BROUGHT THAT IN HERE AND THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW!" Bartenders are so easily excited.

If you drank too much green Zima the night before and don't remember anything in the morning, you will likely be in for a surprise when you use the restroom. Be prepared.