CrazeeMagnet

Easily Amused Squirrels

2012-01-27T03:41:00.007-05:00

Snuck out for a frozen flight last week. I was flying my foamie Parkzone P-51 RC (lightweight foam warbird) so just went across the street to a school football field. Everything was going fine, the grass and squirrels were appropriately frightened by the Ace of Indiana's awesome flying skills. Fingers were freezing. During a really low pass (6 foot off the deck), crisp, azure blue sky, setting sun glinting off the silver wings, I banked up, left and out to clear the football club house ... the CONCRETE football club house ... more like a bomb shelter ... BAM! CRUNCH! Tinkle. Plop ... Oops - cut it a little close. P-51 confetti! The squirrels were laughing. The concrete building looked unimpressed, but, I'd swear it smirked. I think the grass even chuckled. I picked up the shards that only moments ago had been a noble fighting machine and slunk back to my car. I shall return again, squirrels. I shall return.

Update to story: fixed the P-51. Week later. Same field, same conditions. Didn't hit the building this time but DID hit the wire running from a pole TO the building - imagine a 2" braided steel cable and a 24 oz. foam airplane traveling at 50-60 mph - sliced the Mustang into 5 pieces - ZINGGGG, plop, plop, plop, plop, plop. The squirrels fell out of the trees laughing.

Damn.

Perfect Landing. Sort of.

2011-06-17T15:22:00.003-04:00

Flying the Pitts. Beautiful day. Great flight. No wind. Lined up on the runway. Cut throttle. It floated down. Just before touchdown, slight up elevator. Oh crap! I wasn't over the runway. I was over the grass. The plane stopped dead. Broke the entire front end off the plane. So much for a perfect landing.

oops.

2011-06-07T21:18:00.004-04:00

2 nights ago I lost the battery hatch cover on my Pitts RC plane while flying at a friend's farm. I zig-zagged the farm fields, on foot for over an hour, looking for it. No luck.

LAST night, I looked at the field closer - it was planted - teensy-weensy green shoots ... I had tromped all over them the night before ... oops. The aliens might think I was sending them a message through a really poorly executed crop circle. More of a crop zig-zag. I hope I said something nice, something that would promote good will between our species like, "Hi there. Like Twinkies?"

Maiden Flight

2011-06-06T04:33:00.004-04:00

Finally got the guts/experience to maiden this Pitts Model 12 15e RC plane this evening. 40" wing span. The setting sun reflecting off the glossy wings was a near spiritual moment. Four take-offs, four good landings - progress! Unfortunately I lost the battery hatch in flight and didn't see it fall off. So I zig-zagged the entire farm where I was flying trying to find it. No luck. I was afraid of rattlers - dusk, hot day, cooling off, prime snake time - a rabbit scared the crap put of me! No battery hatch though. Will have to fabricate one.

Father Nature

2010-04-01T07:54:00.002-04:00

I have a tendancy to attract ice storms, hurricanes, tornadoes and such when I travel .. got chased out of San Antonio by Rita; been hit by TWO hurricanes in Florida in ONE week ...

On a trip now in Detroit - the weather is 80 degrees - it's March - they'll probably get nailed by an ice storm after I leave. Sorry, Detroit.

Last night, my coworker, Mandy described me as being like, "Father Nature. But in a bad way."

I'm not sure whether to be proud of that or appalled.

B-B-B-Butt Drugs

2010-03-12T10:23:00.005-05:00

Haven't posted in a long time. This commercial called me to action. The best line is at :58.

Definition of Insanity?

2010-01-03T08:48:00.001-05:00

Flying a model airplane in sub-zero temperatures.

Howdy Pardner

2010-01-03T08:26:00.002-05:00

Eh-hem … jus' practicin' my honorary Texan skills for next week (el Paso). As a test run, Sue, my wife (a true Texan) and I (a true dumbass), had smoked beef brisket sandwiches last night. I bought the sissy-whole-wheat buns. A true Texan scoffs at whole wheat, "Now why'd ya' wanna' go n' mess up a perfectly good bun with WHOLE wheat? … You sayin' MY wheat's missin' somethin', Boy?!"

I was also taught the way of improvin' store-bought potato salad - adding boiled eggs … who'da known to do that?

And whiskey beans. We had beans with bourbon and brown sugar. I liked the beans (especially the bourbon flavor part)!

And to top off last night's meal? Texas sheet cake, of course. The only cake on the planet that gets better and better the longer it sits. Texas sheet cake is in its prime after about three days. That's why they're so damn big, so there's plenty left after 3 days. Betcha didn't know that, huh?

Lead us not into temptation

2009-10-27T09:48:00.004-04:00

When I was a kid saying the Lord’s Prayer, I THOUGHT they were saying, “Lead us not into temptation...but deliver us from Boll Weevils...” considering what Boll Weevils look like, it wasn’t an unreasonable request for a kid ... and it WORKED – I have NEVER been attacked by a boll weevil!!! Thank you, Lord.

Off we go ... literally

2009-10-21T18:24:00.004-04:00

No wind when I got home tonight, so took my little yellow plane out flying. Went to a football field across the street. A WIDE open football field. With two goal posts. Of course in all this HUGE, WIDE OPEN SPACE, I flew the plane directly into one of the goal posts. Goal posts, I learned, have a tendency to NOT move when hit by little, plastic planes. The plane moved, however, in about a thousand different directions. Glued the thousand pieces back together. And tried to get one more flight in for the night. Didn't notice that the wind had picked-up. IT FLEW!!! And it kept flying. Away. Far, far away. I lost sight of it. It's gone. I don't think this will be a case of "Lassie Come Home." It probably doesn't remember where I live. Hell I don't even remember where I live half the time.

Farewell little yellow plane. Sorry about the goal post thing. Be free.

Maiden Flight

2009-10-18T13:56:00.005-04:00

Found a BEAUTIFUL flying field so took the Wild Hawk out for her maiden flight. Wide open field with one tree in it. I, of course, put the plane IN the one tree ... and spent 45 minutes poking it out of the tree with fishing rods taped together.

Never could get it to fly again though. It could never get enough lift to fly.

A family showed up and were watching as it repeatedly nose-dived into the ground, pieces flying everywhere. And the guy gets out of his car with his family ... with a plane ... I gave him the field ... his little plane SOARED into the heavens, circling and dipping and diving for a good 10 minutes. An INCREDIBLE flight equipped with a PERFECT damned landing.

I left with a badly bruised male ego.

I TOUCHED THIS TONIGHT!!!!!

2009-10-15T22:57:00.002-04:00

All my life, since I was a little boy, I've wanted to see two scary things:

1. A tornado
2. A black widow spider

Number 2 was eliminated from the list this evening when I reached for a gas can outside and felt a spider web and something pretty large move on my hand.

The shiny, black bulb-shaped part of the body is about the size of a large peanut. The hour glass is VIVID red.

I captured it and my grandson and I are studying it. Sorry all you spider fans out there, it is an ex-spider now. She played dead when I first caught her. She's not playing any more.

Now every two seconds, I feel like something is crawling on me. I guess I deserve that for "deceasing" her.

Droogie Race

2009-10-14T23:39:00.003-04:00

HHJH just ran a bit about A Clockwork Orange and it reminded me of a story:

My wife and friends and I were at a sci-fi convention years back and entered the First Annual 1 Mile Fun Run. Except we entered as Droogies from A Clockwork Orange. 6 fully-costumed Droogies, a guy dressed as a cow, a seriously drunken fellow and one serious runner (the guy that organized the run).

It was a mile run and quite a few of the non-participating sci-fi attendees showed up to watch the race. As it was only a one mile run, even out of shape, hung over and dressed like Stanley Kubrik characters, it shouldn't have taken us more than 15 minutes to "run" 1 mile ... except, being Droogies, we HAD to cheat! So about 100 yards away from the start/finish line, beyond view of the spectators, we, the Droogs, had a car waiting for us, filled with beer/whiskey. All but the serious runner and the cow jumped in the car and drove off to the half-mile mark. And there we parked and partied. In a couple of minutes the real (and only) runner showed up, angry because nobody was taking this seriously. We told him we were taking our drinking seriously, besides, the cow came hoofing over the hill several minutes after that. We ALL got drunk. For about a half hour.

We'd forgotten about the spectators at the start/finish line. Ooops. But they hadn't forgotten about us, got worried, and sent out a search/rescue party that found 6 drunk Droogs, a REALLY drunken previously drunken fellow, an inebriated cow and one tipsy, pissed-off runner. So the search party joined us ... yes, they sent out ANOTHER search party to search for us AND the earlier search party. The second search party met the same fate as the first one and got drunk with us too.

We all decided to offer the remaining spectators an exciting end of the race. So EVERYBODY piled into and onto the car, drove back up the hill, just barely out of site and then had the car chase us Droogs up the hill and off into an adjacent parking lot past, but not OVER the finish line. We never finished the race. The cow and the runner staged a wind sprint to the finish. The cow won. The drunk was passed-out in the back seat of the car. And the real runner? Well, his shorts were cute, but he was bested by Bessie.

The First Annual Fun Run was also the Last Annual Fun Run.

Damn Droogies spoiled ALL the fun by cheating. The organizer/runner refused to speak to any of us the rest of the weekend. I mean, getting beaten by a drunken, out of shape cow is likely not the highlight of any runner's career.

Engh, f@@k 'em if he can't take a joke.

I think I've got it backwards

2009-10-12T09:12:00.005-04:00

My Doc made me stay home from work for 3 days. Fortunately, I'm house- and grandson- sitting this week. My daughter and son have a GORGEOUS house. And in that house is a hot tub. And in that hot tub am I (said Sam I Am).

I thought the idea was that you work hard all your life and you can get little luxuries. Like a hot tub. As usual, my thinker's on the fritz. My house has an UGLY pink bathtub that's WAY too short for me. Did I mention that it is ugly? And the only bubbles in it would need to be provided by me.

I must be doing something wrong.

Engh...back to my temporary jaccuzi...ahhhhhhhhh. My doctor told me to relax. She didn't mention anything about comatose. So it must be OK.

PS. I'm writing this post on my iPhone while IN the bubbling hot tub - the iPhone I had to purchase after killing my original one by getting a tiny drop of water in one of the ports. Like I said, thinker's on the fritz.

PSS. New family policy - a spin off of the Foreign Exchange Student Program - all of our family members must now switch houses for one month at a time ... 'cept whoever gets Sue's and my house is kind of like volunteering for duty in Siberia.

YIKES!!!!

2009-10-12T02:02:00.002-04:00

Either our grandson has a really cool Halloween outfit or my brain melted.

Helga the Horrible

2009-10-10T13:13:00.002-04:00

I drove myself to the ER yesterday after work. I had "strange "attacks" 5 times that day. Was in there a month ago for the same thing.

My nurse last night, let's just call her Helga, was not well-endowed in the bedside manner department. I got spoken to sternly for not remembering the name of the doctor that saw me in the hospital a MONTH ago ... I can't even remember my own name at times. "Pretty important thing to not be remembering," was her comment. And then she gave me the Mommy Stare, followed of course by a pregnant pause. Pissed me off! I thought the general idea was to NOT induce your patient to have a heart attack. ???

Fortunately, her shift was over quickly so she crawled back into her cave and was replaced by a caring nurse that uderstood that it is not a common attribute of normal people to remember doctor's names when they're stressed out in the hospital.

As it turns out, after checking my records, I wasn't seen by a cardio doc last time I was in. Maybe that's WHY I couldn't remember his/her name. Ya think?

Silly me.

Keep Finding These

2009-10-10T13:08:00.002-04:00

I was in the ER last night (just a scare). I keep finding these little sticky things today. Especially the ones from the EKG - the hospital didn't bother to take them off.

Seriously decadent

2009-10-06T21:30:00.003-04:00

Snails and cake. That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it, uh huh, uh huh. I'm gonna' start the voting - 1 vote for BEST CAKE ON THE PLANET. Uber-moist chocolate cake, with mousse filling and fudge icing resting in a pool of vanilla berry swirl sauce garnished with fresh fruits and whipped cream. UN-BEE-LEE-VUH-BUHL!!! Snails, however, are slimy things that creep across your garden. So even though they're good, no votes for them.

Marge of the Mist

2009-10-05T22:13:00.005-04:00

Is it just me, or does anyone else see the shadows of Lisa, Bart and Marge Simpson on the banks of Niagara Falls?(I swear, I didn't retouch this. I took this shot BECAUSE I saw the shadows.) I guess Homer went over the falls in a barrel. Maybe they'll rename the boat, the Marge of the Mist. ?

Dear Sue Letter

2009-10-05T17:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Sue:

This is the view from my room. I'm going to defect to Canada and spend my time in the hot tub eating chicken wings looking out the window - yes, there's a window in the bathroom that allows you to see the falls while bubbling away in the hot tub.

The house payment has been made for this month. Good luck. Don't try to find me. I've changed my name to Jules and I now wear a beret.

Later, mon cheri.

Jules

Fly Fail Crash Boom

2009-10-04T14:38:00.004-04:00

Took my grandson flying today. Broke the tail off the plane at least 6 times. He told his Mom, "Grandpa crashed his plane about 10 times." Kid can't count. (It was more like 20 times.)

So much for being a hero.

New Toy

2009-10-03T17:14:00.003-04:00

After demolishing my first plane, the first day, I decided to get a trainer so I can actually LEARN how to fly first. 4 foot wingspan on this puppy! Even sounds like a real plane. I was a good boy and overcame the desire to fly on a windy day. What REALLY attracted me to this plane is it's "anti-crash" program. There are two sensors in the plane, one on top that sees light colored sky and one below that sees dark colored ground - if the sensors both see sky,
that means the sucker is nose diving into the ground - so the micro processor takes over control and levels out the flight. That's the theory anyway. I bought glue just in case.

And GOOD NEWS!!! My wife didn't kill me when I told her I bought another plane! Cool!

Maybe I ought to try asking for a Harley again. Or then again, maybe it's best to NOT press my luck.

Ohhhhh, off we go, into the wild blue yonder, duhn dah duhn, duhn da da duhn...

2009-10-03T09:38:00.012-04:00

(Keep humming that tune as you read this - that'll put you in the proper state of mind for this story. After you get done with the first line of lyrics, just repeat them or sing, "Duhn, da duhn, duhn, duhn ... etc" like I do, because I don't know the rest of the song, unless you happen to KNOW the rest of the lyrics. And I DEFY you to get that song out of your head now that it's planted there.)

The P51 Mustang story (happened yesterday):

When I was a kid I flew control-line, gas powered airplanes. I always dreamed of owning a radio control plane, but I couldn't afford one. Still can't afford one, but bought one anyway. This is my new P51D Mustang. It has a 35" wing span so it's a LOT bigger than anything I used to fly.

Actually, I bought two. My big plane (in the pictures above) won't arrive until next week. I found a smaller, putsy version of the P51 at a local hobby shop and took to the skies yesterday. In hurricane-force winds. Not knowing how to fly radio control.

I took it across the street to a neighborhood school. It was sundown. Literally. My God, it had the makings of an epic fly-boy film, sun setting in a deep blue sky, wind in my hair, bad guys lurking in the tangerine-colored clouds - "I'll get 'em, Colonel, Sir!!!" - and with the lyrics, "Oh, off we go, into the wild blue yonder" in my head, my plane and I broke the surly bonds of Mother Earth.

For about 10 seconds.

Let me stop for a moment and explain that EVERY instructional site I visited on the Internet, said, and I must quote, "DO NOT FLY IN HEAVY WINDS!" But you see, what they don't understand is that I am DIFFERENT. I've FLOWN model airplanes before. Though those earlier planes were attached to wires that I held while I spun around in circles. And I fly in jets frequently - flying to Canada Monday as a matter of fact. Don't they know that the basic rules don't apply to a Veteran of the Sky? I SPIT on your rules, sir!

OK, back to the maiden voyage of my P51...

The plane accelerated across the concrete basketball court, deftly missing the goal thingies and she lifted into the sky. She made an unexpected bank to the left, but my years (???) of training automatically kicked-in and I corrected to the right. Ahhhhhh, level flight. Then I calmly banked her around until she was headed back toward me. It was at this point that I freaked-out because with the plane facing me, port (left to you commoners) is now starboard (right) and vice versa. Also about this time, the wind, which was much higher at about 25 feet of altitude, just SMACKED my little plane from behind and threw it into a dive. A dive I made worse by getting left confused with right - SCREW starboard and port, I'm fighting for my life here! And BAM! Nose dive into the ground from about 25 feet. The plane appeared to have survived. YAYYY! But in my panic, I forgot to kill the throttle (let off the gas). So after it bounced, up it went again. AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! This time it went straight up, like a rocket. I backed off the throttle immediately and to my amazement executed an advanced aerobatic manuever - the plane just hovered about 8 feet off the ground, hanging from it's propeller. (I shall name it The Dingle-Berry Manuever.) COOL! But the wind smacked it again and swatted it to the ground. Upside down. SPLAT. So much for cool. Uh, she didn't come back up fighting this time. Nor did she bounce. The plane became "as one" with the ground.

10 seconds of disastrous flight and the foam tail was broken in three places. The wing tip was no longer the tip. And the nose cone now resembles that of our pugs.

And you know what REALLY sucks? There were a gang of little kids and their families practicing football at the opposite end of the field ... what were once spectators had become witnesses.

With my tail between my legs, I picked-up the pile of foam shards that was a plane only 10 seconds before and headed home. Short flight.

I'LL RETURN, YOU BASTARDS!!! Nobody can shoot down the Ace of Indiana and NOT pay for your insulence!!!

Post Note: it ain't as pretty, but Gorilla Glue works GREAT on foam! I'll have to drill a few "bullet holes" in the wings for effect. And to explain all the damage in a manly manner.

Post-Post Note: Now I'm afraid to fly my big plane when it arrives. Maybe I'll just hang it from fishing line, in attack pose, over my bed and look at it.

Stressed?

2009-10-01T12:19:00.003-04:00

All the little creatures answer to you. Nice boots.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAT!!!!

2009-09-30T09:06:00.005-04:00

A lady I work with and a dear friend is celebrating her birthday today - here's your cake!!!

(Pat's also a superb cake-maker/decorator ... she didn't make this one ... thank God.)

Odd, I sort of like the final, melted version. Kind of Salvador Dali-ish.

The TRUTH about soaring beef prices

2009-09-30T09:04:00.001-04:00

Well THAT was interesting

2009-09-28T13:44:00.002-04:00

Spent the entire day/night in the University of Louisville Hospital Emergency Room for a family matter.

As I understand it, the UofL ER is a "level one" facility. What does that mean? I found out. It means they can turn no one away. And for some reason, it is considered a "Stroke Center" which is the family business that brought us there. First let me say my Dad is fine ... I simply MUST write about what I saw though.

First, we have the KGB doctor. 6' 3", long white lab coat, never smiled, never worked on a single patient or looked at a file - he just strolled around staring at people. For 8 hours. I kept expecting him to come over and bark, "You vill show me yoor papers und you vill show zem to me NOW!" My Dad and I eventually figured his specialty must be leprosy and it just wasn't a hot night for lepers.

Next we have the singing drunk. They wheeled him by on a gurney and he was singin' a love song at the top of his lungs. If this guy sounded that good laying down and drunk, I can only imagine him singing upright and sober. Look out American Idol (just hide the MD2020).

Another of his brethren, claimed to have a broken neck from being hit by a car though he was jumping up and down off the stretcher just fine - HE started hooting like an owl later from a distant room. Eerie.

I heard a cow mooing. Pretty sure there were no bovines on the floor.

Then there's the fellow that came in around midnight that was so plastered he actually tried to seduce the rather attractive female police officer that had handcuffed him to the gurney. Sounds kinky? No, he was blowing his nose in his sheets and fake barfing in a bag for attention. It didn't work.

Around 1 am, my father was sleeping so I tried to catch a few winks. The cows were softly mooing, and old man owl was hooting just at the edge of the holler just as I dozed off ... only to be awakened by another nurse at 1:45, "It's time to go. Simply click your heels together 3 times and follow the yellow brick road."

Snoozzzzzzzzzzz...

Every other day somebody says ...

2009-09-27T12:02:00.007-04:00

This is Stephen King.

This is me.

Every other day, someone tells me ... that I look like Stephen King. I travel frequently and airports are a hotspot for having people ask me. Sometimes 2 or 3 times in the same airport.

My wife and I were recently in San Francisco and a group of nouveau-hippies, sitting on the sidewalk singing joyous hippie songs, thought I WAS Stephen King. They stopped singing long enough to ask for an autograph. I just kept walking, ignoring them. My wife played it up by telling them, "Sorry, Mr. King isn't signing autographs today." I reminded my wife that Charles Manson and his hippie crew were from California too, best to just leave singing hippies alone and not upset them. (I also noticed they had cell phones - NO self-respecting hippie would EVER carry a cell phone ... just us 55 year old hippie sell-outs.)

I don't like playing up the whole Stephen King look-alike thing. I did, however, autograph a Red Lobster coaster for our waitress one time. But I misspelled it as S-T-E-V-E-N ... guy's an author and can't even spell his own name right!

Went to an antique bookstore in Salt Lake City several years back and the owner starts carrying on a conversation with me ... I have no clue of what he's talking about, but I'm politely nodding my head as if I'm following the conversation ... come to find out, Stephen had been in his store several times in the past ... the owner thought I was Stephen making a return appearance and was chatting with me/him.

My favorite episode was in a restaurant in San Antonio. I'd gone to dine by myself and read a book (not a King book, though I do read his books - The Dark Half is one of my favorite books) so asked for a secluded corner. As I ate, I noticed more and more employees appearing and standing around the server-station near my table. I remember thinking, "Damn, this staff sure spends a lot of time just standing around whispering to each other. And 3:30 in the afternoon's an odd time for a shift change." I paid with a credit card and my waitress looked at the name on the card, looked at the large group of employees milling around and shook her head - no, it wasn't Stephen, just dumbass Rick. They were disappointed and disbanded. I wasn't - the steak was GREAT!!!

WOO-WOO!!!

2009-09-25T15:58:00.001-04:00

One of our granddaughters zooming on sugar. YEEHAH!!!!

Buzzzzzzzzzzz...

2009-09-25T15:56:00.001-04:00

Her brother buzzing on sugar.

Jus' wonderin'

2009-09-23T08:45:00.003-04:00

If you don't plug your headphones into your iPod, is the music still making any sound?

That's going to bug me all day.

Probably too many Candy Corn Taffy's for breakfast.

Candy Corn Taffy

2009-09-23T08:34:00.002-04:00

It's so much more than just a breakfast food.

DINNER!!!

2009-09-21T23:52:00.001-04:00

Oh hell yeah! 6 flavors! Meijer's sells the BEST food.

HEY!!! YOU CAN'T PARK THOSE THERE!!!

2009-09-21T23:28:00.002-04:00

A bunch of old boats, the Ninja, the Pinto and the Santa Claus came to Louisville today ... 'cept Columbo split in the Pinto leaving his buddies behind. I have no idea where they came from, I slept through History Class. But I think they discovered Cicinnatti, or something like that.

Darwin's Origin of Species - a pictorial essay

2009-09-21T07:53:00.002-04:00

Question ...

2009-09-21T07:16:00.001-04:00

Does this come in Dominatrix Black Leather or with rubber-baby-buggy-bumpers?

Snoozin'

2009-09-21T07:05:00.001-04:00

Skylar's snoozin' with some old guy.

Wiggle Worm

2009-09-20T15:00:00.001-04:00

Our grand daughter, Skylar's first starring role in a film.

I was a terrorist punk

2009-09-20T00:30:00.004-04:00

Not really. I was a James Bond fan living in England. And let's get this straight at the get- go ... there is only one James Bond - Sean Connery. Period.

Back in the 60's kids toys could be downright dangerous. None of this Safety Commission crap. Our stuff blew up, shot projectiles, and had tiny pieces that we could swallow (we enjoyed chewing on them).

One sunny Eglish afternoon my brother, two friends and I armed ourselves with spud guns - a toy gun made out of metal that was crammed into a potato thus creating a spud projectile that you could shoot a pretty good distance.

So we decided to do a 007/James Bond attack from an overhead bridge on a speeding commuter train on the tracks below. We hid behind the bridge rail and when the train sped through, we'd jump up and unload our full arsenal of potato pellets on the unsuspecting commuters below.

The only problem is that the commuters thought it was a real attack and reported us.

English Bobbies are very proper. They captured us and when inspecting our weapons discovered the incorrectness of reporting this as a terrorist attack. "THIS is what you've been shooting at the trains? Bits of potato?"

And though we fully expected to be hauled off to Scotland Yard and be placed in stocks - that didn't happen. They told us to just go home and cease firing upon the commuters.

No fun for REAL desperados. We need a REAL mission Angent M!

Yes, I framed an innocent puppy.

2009-09-19T23:41:00.002-04:00

This one goes in the Creative Excuses gategory. I don't know how I got away with it. I shouldn't have:

When I was 9, I learned how to play golf. My dad taught me that practice makes perfect. So one day, I had come home from school and grabbed my 9-iron for a little practice. Except I wasn't allowed to go outside if my parents weren't home yet. So I was practicing in the living room. On the shag carpet. Yes, shag, it was the 60's.

I wasn't aware, until that day, that a 9-iron WILL take a divot (fancy golf word for hunk) out of the carpet the same as it will grass.

Oh, shit.

I tried sticking the hunk of carpet back in it's place, but it came out with the slightest touch. Didn't have time for glue. Might as well face the fact, I'm going to die when my parents get home.

But I'd been raised properly to know the difference between right and wrong.

So I lied. And it was a whopper too. I told them that I had JUST come in the room and saw our puppy ripping a hunk out of the carpet. Darn ol' puppy!

Shameful. Dear God forgive me ... I framed a sad-eyed puppy. Going to hell. Going to hell.

To this day, I have no clue whether my parents were naive enough to believe that or so amused by my creativity that they just let it go.

Thank GOD they didn't discipline the puppy.

His name was Happy. He got run over by a car several years later, so our secret went with him to the grave. I was 46 years old before I finally told my parents about that. They didn't even remember it.

My Football Career ...

2009-09-19T22:56:00.003-04:00

... lasted less than 15 minutes. I was 10 and joined a kid's football league. My coach taught me that when I tackled to put my head down, spread my arms and hit the other guy HARD and below the knees. So I did. My very first tackle was AWESOME! Only I didn't think so ... I nearly bit my own lip off, was bleeding everywhere and it hurt like HELL! I walked straight off the field and kept on going, straight home. Never to play football again.

So, now that I think about it - I had a PERFECT football career, one perfect tackle and no losses.

Good thing I quit while I was ahead.

Walrus Lard

2009-09-17T12:35:00.001-04:00

My lunch at the hospital. Fried chicken, French fries and chocolate pudding washed down with chocolate milk. Specially-trained dieticians made it. So it MUST be good for me. Right?

It's staring at me...

2009-09-15T10:06:00.001-04:00

Sitting in the lobby of this posh hotel in Mobile. I'm wearing jeans, tennies, and a cheap fake-suede coat from Walmart ... everybody else is wearing black suits. Maybe they're paying respect to Patrick Swayze. They're all staring at me. Even the stained glass is watching me. I need to get out of here.

WELCOME SKYLAR EVE!!!

2009-09-15T10:02:00.001-04:00

Our second grandaughter (4th grandchild), Skylar Eve, finally wiggled on into the world this morning at 6:17. Everyone is doing great! She has strawberry blond hair like her Grandma Sue-Sue!

*Note: photo is simulation. No babies were harmed in the making of this post.

Southern Hostile-tality

2009-09-14T22:32:00.001-04:00

So my coworker and I are driving today from New Orleans to Mobile Alabama for business. We're taking our sweet time so I'm driving 60-65 mph in a 70 zone. Other drivers are blowing past us like we're sitting still.

Just ahead, there's a car going slower than me. It's an Alabama State Trooper. I don't like passing cops, but he was going well under the speed limit and so was I. So no harm, no foul.

I'm past him and still in the left passing lane when I see him accelerate up behind me. Now he's following close behind. WTH??? Jeremy and I were doing and/or carrying NOTHING illegal. But we're starting to freak out ... we've both seen Smokie and the Bandit. And it's not like were driving a slick-looking car, it was a putsy rental for God's sake.

He drops back a bit and we sigh a collective sigh of relief. But I see him accelerating in the right lane now and he pulls right up beside us and matches our speed. At this point I can't even draw a breath, I'm getting so nervous and we've done NOTHING wrong. But I'm sure as hell not going to make eye contact (which is probably what I SHOULD have done - I have no clue WHAT he wants us to do!).

He backs off again allowing me to finally move back into the right lane. And now he accelerates up to the LEFT side of the car and matches speed. Now I'm getting pissed. You wanna' pull me over for whatever, flip on your lights and DO IT! But quit screwing with me. Guy could have caused a wreck. When he wasn't blocking the lanes, other people were continuing to fly past us. He didn't give a shit about that, he's busy playing tag with us Yankee Boys.

Eventually he dropped back and vanished in traffic. Though I'm glad we didn't get pulled over, I'd love to have known what that turkey was up to.

Welcome to friggin' Alabama!

Why I don't go to movie theaters

2009-09-13T12:52:00.005-04:00

Three reasons:

1. My wife and I have built a home theater system with full, window-shattering surround sound, bluray, and a 50" 1080p monitor. Suck THAT, Mr. Cinema! We can BUY two films for the price of seeing ONE in the cinema. And we can stop the film to take a piss, thank you very much.

2. When we go to a theater, we ALWAYS, without fail, get the most obnoxious people sitting behind us that kick our seats, and TALK through the whole damn film!!!

3. True story: up until yesterday, the last time I was in a theater was to see "Hunt for Red October". And this is why: the film, Hunt for Red October BREAKS with about 2 minutes left to go and rather than fix it, the theater just turned on the house lights and everybody got up and left ... WTF!!! I'm not going ANYWHERE until I see the end of the friggin' movie or I get my money back! So I hunt down the manager. I express my concern and demand - HIS solution? - he says, and I quote, "Oh there was only two minutes left, you didn't miss anything important" and he proceeds to tell us what happens in the missing two minutes!! SHUT UPPPP! I seriously doubt the director of the film intended that the closing scene be delivered by some polyester-wearing punk being paid five bucks an hour! Idiot.

After I ranted and raved for 5 minutes, he finally agreed to give us our money back AND a free pass for a future film. Like I said, I didn't go back to any theater again until yesterday. Showed them, huh?

A field trip to the Cinemas

2009-09-13T11:37:00.003-04:00

My grandson wanted to go see the new animated flick "9" yesterday. Sounded like fun - I haven't been to a theater since "Hunt for Red October" was released. Yeah, it's been a while. There's a reason why I stopped going and I'd forgotten until yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. Spending "guy time" with my grandson was WAY COOL! And the animation was AWESOME. Unfortunately, the script was as transparent as Saran Wrap. But being with my Bud and the animation made it worth every cent.

I was to find out that it would cost LOTS of cents. LOTS and LOTS. A second mortgage worth.

We went to the early matinee. The last matinee I went to was, well, uh, in 1965 - Goldfinger. Cost then? 25 cents. Cost for two of us to see "9" - $14!!!

Oh, screw it. It's only money. (You know, whoever came up with that saying probably had a LOT of IT!)

A movie is NOT a movie without popcorn. Right? Of course, back in 1969, popcorn was 10 cents. Not knowing what sizes S-M-L would actually be, volume-wise, I ordered a LARGE. A truck backed up to the counter, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP and dumped a load of popcorn into a grocery bag. Cost - $14!!!! Had the Native Americans known the true value of teaching the Pilgrims how to pop corn, they wouldn't have done it and there would be roadside stands today featuring Pocahontas Popped Corn. History would have been rewritten.

So into the movie we go, grocery bag o' corn in hand.

About 30 minutes into the film, I discover that scientists have been toying with the genetics of popcorn. Popcorn has now been engineered as such to instill MAXIMUM thirst in a MINIMUM amount of time. I go to the consession stand for further fleecing. My eyes SAW the price of a SMALL soft drink on the menu, but my brain blocked what it had seen as being impossible. The woman hands me the drinks and mutters, "AID dollup spleez." having no clue of what she just said, I asked her to repeat it. She did. "Eight dollars, please." .... for two SMALL drinks?! I didn't ask to have 20-year old bourbon in them, just ice, water, corn syrup and flavoring.

So back in the theater I go. Climbing the steps wasn't too hard this time, even with the drinks in hand, probably the absense of weight caused by the absence of money.

But you know what? Doesn't matter. I had a GREAT TIME with my buddy. And THAT makes it all worth while.

A guy and his talking cat...

2009-09-11T07:21:00.003-04:00

Ever seen a show with a fellow that owns a cat that talks, drives a Schwan's truck, plays bridge, drinks "scotches and sodas" and is one bad-ass quilter??? Oh yeah, and she (Pearl) has a sexy Russian accent.

Meet my coworker, Josh Keown, and his cat Pearl. Josh and a bunch of other very talented folks have produced a 6-part Internet video series called, "The Pearl and I", that's running on Funny Or Die. The first episode aired on 09.09.09 - oddly enough on the day that was proclaimed, "NO CATS ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB DAY". God, I love the web.

Here's the link to The Pearl and I:

The Pearl and I

Check it out and vote Funny! Josh needs the votes. He's actually a poor black child in Oomboobway Africa. For every Funny vote he receives, his cat Pearl will be given a single piece of Kibble. So, in a way, the kitty's life and a little black boy's happiness depend on YOU! Vote NOW ... helping a destitute and his kitty is a GREAT WAY to get your weekend started.

This evening's project

2009-09-10T20:54:00.001-04:00

A Ficus Too Little cascade.

Hmmmm...

2009-09-10T09:39:00.001-04:00

Not sure which is stranger - the truck in the tree - or the guy on the ground - my money's on the guy.

A Major Award

2009-09-09T14:26:00.004-04:00

Charmed and Dangerous

So YOU'RE the person that reads my blog! Thanks, Charmed. I will cherish this always. It's obviously Italian, probably from Fragile, Italy. A major award ... I've never won anything like that before.

I'm speechless, which is EXTREMELY rare.

Thanks!

Having Grilled Buffalo ...

2009-09-07T17:04:00.001-04:00

... but this photo just ruined it ... it's TOO FRIGGIN' CUTE!

Now I feel like a murderer.

Apple replaced my water-logged iPhone!

2009-09-07T14:39:00.001-04:00

And this one's waterproof! However, it only gets the Disney Channel on the internet and will not allow me to watch anything other than G-rated YouTube videos.

My wife paddling a wii canoe

2009-09-07T11:49:00.001-04:00

God forbid our house ever floods.

Japanese 12-Step Program

2009-09-07T11:26:00.001-04:00

"Buddha, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can. And wisdom to know the difference."

How to stop terrorists for $1

2009-09-07T11:10:00.002-04:00

Chinese finger traps. Note: will NOT work on Chinese terrorists.

Notice the Doorknob

2009-09-06T19:28:00.002-04:00

Now notice what's NEXT to the doorknob.

The doorknob I ALMOST opened!

AAAAARRGGHH! Look at the size of that sucker. He/She is, uh, no longer "with us". But not without a fight ... It chased me (really) ... Then I chased it and then the cycle repeated several times.

According to wikipedia, it was probably a deadly black mamba spider from deepest, darkest Uganda. Either that or a common wood spider from Jeffersonville. My money's on the mamba. Scared the poop out of me.

New Indian name

2009-09-06T17:40:00.002-04:00

I was once given the Indian name, "Loses Keys at Check In". For some strange reason, even with all the travel I do, I haven't lost a single room key in decades (I probably shouldn't have said that.). So it's time for a change. My new, self-assigned Indian name is, "Destroys iPhone in 90 Days". It's appropriate.

Amendment to the "I hate plumbing" story

2009-09-02T10:11:00.003-04:00

The plumber was here less than 2 hours. Parts totalled $4.18. Total bill - $423.00 ... 200 F**KING DOLLARS PER HOUR!!! I don't think GOD makes that much! Why would anybody that makes $400,000.00 a year WANT to put their hands in other people's shit? Probably to MAKE $400,000.00, I guess. Good thing the sink's working now because I puked in it. FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE DOLLARS ON A CHARGE CARD AT 24% INTEREST!!!!!????? And this REALLY pissed me off - the plumbing snake that I broke off in the pipe and couldn't get loose? ... my wife said he spent about 30 seconds on it - he pulled it right out, the nasty stuff that was clogging the sink came with it and the sink was fixed! It cost $142 to pull out the snake and reattach two pipes that it took me about 30 seconds to attach myself ... BLLAAHHGERFFLABULLY!!!

I'm pretty sure we just bought another episode of Ghost Hunters with that kind of cash.

This is official notice, I'm going to go to trade school and become a plumber/banker/lawyer (I'd toss in car salesman too, but I'd have to do the honorable thing and commit harikari). I'm going to call my new company "Ream-Yur-Ass Inc." ... It works for all three professions and cuts to the chase.

Now let me get this straight

2009-09-01T23:12:00.001-04:00

For the last year or so, 24/7, my neck has felt like someone's cramming a needle into it ... so today the doctors stuck a needle into my neck repeatedly to see WHY it feels like someone is ... sticking a needle in there ... but first, they stuck a needle in there to deaden my neck so it wouldn't hurt when they ... stuck a needle in there ... !!!??? Confused? Me too. Now it REALLY hurts!

Do they still use the guillotine anywhere?

One word - Zesto's

2009-08-30T20:01:00.001-04:00

Design for hospital gown fabric

2009-08-28T22:25:00.001-04:00

The Coyote Lied!!!

2009-08-28T19:23:00.003-04:00

Remember in the cartoon, The Roadrunner, when the Coyote would accidentally tap a bottle of nitro glycerin - and it exploded, blowing him up too? ... The guy in the bed next to me is screaming into his telephone, "(some sort of gibberish followed by) MY F**KING HEAD KNOWS WHAT TO DO, BUT MY MOUTH JUST WON'T-AH-SAY IT." This is at 2435 decibals of volume with the TV at 2436 decibals ... I want to end it all - he's making me crazy(er) ... back to the Roadrunner ... they just replaced my nitroglycerin patch ... I tried hitting it as hard as I could, farewell cruel world ... damn thing won't explode. But now my chest is bruised.

F**king Coyote.

Amendment to above post:
Three people are now visiting the other fellow, Farmer Jim (bib overalls and all), Lonella-Lynn and Oscar, they're ALL talking loud enough to wake the morgue ... I'm POUNDING on the nitro patch ... F**king Coyote ... F**king Coyote ...

Amendment to the amendment:
while they were (are) all screaming, the lab tech came in to get blood ... I HATE NEEDLES ... she missed the vein ... so she went exploring with the needle ... F**king Coyote ... F**king Coyote

Third amendment: Lonella-Lynn just stuck her head around the curtain and was looking at me ... WTF? I took off my headphones and she yells, "YOUR PHONE WAS RINGIN' DARLIN', BUT I THINK IT DONE QUIT." How the f**ck am I supposed to hear my phone with the four of them yelling over there?

Oh, Eeeeeeyuuuuuuu!!!!

2009-08-28T18:41:00.001-04:00

So much for my yummy meal - the guy in the other bed needs to use the "facilities" - but he's not permitted to get out of bed - so the nurse is over there assisting him ... I'm not so hungry any more.

I LOVE hospital food!!!

2009-08-28T18:25:00.002-04:00

And this was much better than most. They brought me double portions - WOO-WOO! (Note: contents may have settled during transit.)

Discovered a creative way of getting out of going to work on a Friday ...

2009-08-28T18:22:00.001-04:00

Go to the hospital instead! They even feed you - not very quickly - but they DO feed you.

I HATE PLUMBING!!!

2009-08-26T18:00:00.002-04:00

Probably because I can't do it.

Our bathroom sink is completely clogged. So I tried plunging it. After three DAYS of fruitless plunging, I'd managed to slosh 90% of the water out of the sink and onto the floor. Partial success. Big mess. But the sink was (is) still clogged. I poured the nastiest drain cleaner I could find, the stuff with a skull and crossbones on the label, into it and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Tried plunging AND the drain cleaner. Poured the whole damn bottle in there. Nothing. Got pissed off and decided to get away from it all for awhile and let my blood pressure lower. Came back and the drain cleaner has eaten the plunger. Yes, it has started dissolving it. WTF? It won't dissolve the clog but EATS the damn plunger!? So now there's partially melted, black rubber, mixed with green, nuclear-toxic fluid in my sink and I'm afraid to touch it. It might bite. I think it's alive.

This is why I NEVER do plumbing.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Kind of how I feel today

2009-08-26T17:32:00.002-04:00

'Cept minus the muscles and no really cool pool.

Good lookin' genes

2009-08-24T06:52:00.002-04:00

Our grand daughter, Ashlynn, checkin' out her new jeans.

Open Auditions

2009-08-22T15:34:00.005-04:00

Death, you know, aka the Grim Reaper? ... the guy all dressed in black? ... comes to visit all of us eventually? Well Old Grim's been doing his thankless task since humans first invaded the planet. And not only has he been performing his duty for millions of years - he does it night and day, 24/7/365. That's a LOT of overtime.

So he's decided enough's enough and he's retiring next week.

His job cannot be left vacant however or the Earth's population would implode. Therefore, auditions for his replacement are being held this weekend (9-6 Sat. and 9-5 Sun.).

Job requirements:

- You MUST look good in black
- You MUST be able to ride a gallant steed
- You MUST be available for night and weekend work
- Familiarization with the scythe is a plus

Mere mortals need not apply.
Goths will be turned away at the door.

Crisis in Jeffersonville

2009-08-21T03:00:00.002-04:00

We're still in California and just got urgent word that there's a crisis brewing in our backyard. Seems the racoons are demanding that we release their leader, whom we captured last week as he was trying to steal another one of our bonsai trees. They say that if we fail to release him - the neighbor's kitten get's whacked. Sorry, Kitty, but you're goin' to that Great Litter Box in the Sky.

Ain't never goin' home

2009-08-21T02:39:00.003-04:00

GeoTagged, [N37.77803, E122.43096]

Sue and I, having reverted back to our inner hippie-dom here in San Francisco, have taken up eating seaweed, donning sandals, wearing flowers in our hair and chanting protests in the public square ... "SCREW LOUISVILLE, WE AINT NEVER GOING BACK! SCREW LOUISVILLE, WE ..." until we got arrested - now we've started an eating strike at the jail (it's the opposite of a hunger strike - you eat SO much they can't afford to keep you incarcerated). But the jail threw us out and told us to just "Get the Hell out of town."

Ingrates.

"HELL NO, WE WON'T GO! HE'LL NO, WE WON'T GO! ..."

Quiet on the Set!!

2009-08-20T03:12:00.003-04:00

1980-ish, I was art directing a photo for an ad i was designing for a hotsie-totsie restaurant. The restaurant owner didn't want to spend the money on paid models, so he called about a dozen of his equally hotsie-totsie friends to be in the ad.

Trying to direct a dozen non-professional models, three servers and a guy preparing Flaming Bananas Foster tableside was a REAL bitch! But everybody was finally arranged exactly the way I wanted them so I spoke the magic word - "SHOOT!"

What happened next ranks right up there with the Michael Jackson/Pepsi Commercial Fiasco - only ours happened years before Michael's ...

As I hollered "SHOOT!" the servers began serving, the fake customers did their best to look real and the guy fixing the Bananas Foster poured the liquor into the hot tableside pan. And it exploded. The pan had gotten too hot while waiting for me to perfect the expressions and positioning ... so the liquor combusted and blew all over the place setting a ficus tree, the carpet and a female customer's hair on fire!

In less than 2 seconds my beautiful photo decayed into carnage! The poor woman's husband was beating on her head, another customer was dousing the tree with his drinking water and the Bananas Foster guy was madly stomping out the carpet fire.

And I'm standing there slack-jawed - HOLY CRAP!!! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED???!!!

They put out the woman's head and thank God she wasn't burned or injured. Her hair was smoldering when she ran her fingers through it and out came a HUGE clump of blond hair. The place smelled pretty rank too - the kind of smell produced only when fine food and burning human hair are combined.

After taking 20 minutes or so to recompose herself, she brushed her hair the best she could and bravely carried on.

In the final version, if you look real close, she is staring down the Bananas Foster guy with a "Do-it-again-and-you-will-die" look.

THAT was a mistake

2009-08-20T02:03:00.003-04:00

I KNEW I shouldn't have told Sue about the sea lions at Pier 39... she adopted ALL of them and they're flying home with us on Friday. We're going to be needing more fish sticks in our freezer.

Observant Fellow

2009-08-19T23:42:00.001-04:00

Three Beers, you were right again. There were no sharks in the previous photo. My mistake. However, I went back and yelled, "ANY SHARKS OUT THERE?" and shot another photo just for you.

Got Crabs in San Francisco

2009-08-19T22:51:00.001-04:00

Guess that could have been worded better.

San Francisco Bay is beautiful but ...

2009-08-19T10:50:00.001-04:00

Just 'cause I liked the photo

2009-08-19T02:17:00.001-04:00

I knew there was something strange about my wife...

2009-08-18T11:12:00.003-04:00

The strange craft landed behind her, two creatures that looked JUST like Sue got out, came over, they all twittered, looked at me and collectively muttered, "Engh." Then they got back in the Mothership and left. Except Sue. Apparently she's been given the daunting task of studying intelligence on this planet. Or in my case, the lack thereof.

Women are from Venus and men are from ... well ... uh, Louisville.

The war becomes Hi-Tech

2009-08-15T23:30:00.008-04:00

If you're one of the two people that reads this blog (I'm the other one), then you may remember that someone, or more likely, someTHING, has been stealing my bonsai trees. I've escalated the war and am employing hi-tech, surveillance and early warning systems.

A "Wrath of God" motion detecting, twin-Halogen floodlight system guaranteed to burn out the little bastard's retinas at the slightest
movement. And another motion detecting alarm with the control center right next to my bed so I can jump up when the alarm goes off and catch the culprit red-handed, or red-pawed, as the case may be.

Couple of problems though:

I haven't figured out how to make the twin-Halogen floodlights come on only when there's motion, thus surprising the intruder ... so as soon as it gets dark outside, the damn lights, ZAP!, come on surprising no one but doubling my electric bill. And apparently I've managed to screw up the alarm system because it activates three or four times a night if there's the slightest breeze (apparently it's breezy at 2, 3 and 4 a.m.) I LEAPT out of bed and looked out the back window the first couple of nights when the alarm went off at 2. And then again at 3. And 4. Oh, screw this. Now I just cuss at it when it goes off.

No more trees have vanished but my sleep sure has. I can say I have the best lit back yard in the neighborhood though. That's something to be proud of, right?

Beer was clearly involved

2009-08-14T21:21:00.001-04:00

2009-08-14T14:34:00.003-04:00

Yes, I'll be goin' to San Francisco. I'm going to wear some flowers in my hair. Yep, we're goin' to San Francisco, I hope we meet some gentle people there. And because it's Summer in San Francisco, maybe there'll even be a love-in there.

Oh Holy Crap

2009-08-13T00:27:00.001-04:00

Step away from the clown. Just DO IT, kid!

Imagine if ...

2009-08-13T00:14:00.004-04:00

There has been controversy for decades about "colorizing" black and white films. I agree completely that if the director shot the film in black and white, leave it the hell alone. It's GREAT the way it is!

But let's twist that around and imagine if the ENTIRE film, The Wizard of Oz, had been shot in black and white ...

100+ Munchkins singing, "Follow the graaaaaaay brick road. Follow the graaaaaaay brick road" ... just doesn't have the same ring to it.

"Why, that's a horse of a different shade of gray" ... nope, ixnay on the gray orsehay.

"Why, all you have to do is just click your monochromatic slippers three times and keep repeating, 'There's no place ...' " Uh, no.

Some things are just meant to be in color.

Spiderman. Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can.

2009-08-12T17:48:00.005-04:00

A lab tech drew a syringe full of nasty stuff from a miniature nuclear reactor and stuck it in my arm today (radium, or something similar, for a scan I was having). I asked him, "If I get bit by a spider while I'm laying here with that radioactive stuff in me, will I become Spiderman?" He chuckled. I didn't. I was serious.

Much better

2009-08-12T17:47:00.001-04:00

The first 2/3 of today was really, REALLY screwed (doctors and lab technicians poking me with sharp, pointy things). As you can see, the end of it is going much better.

Coast Guard Unravels Evil Plot

2009-08-09T09:06:00.005-04:00

The US Coast Guard foiled an Al-Qaeda attempt to attack Boston via a Trojan Frog today. Unsuspecting Bostonians had drug the giant, life-like amphibian ashore on Friday but became suspicious when the Trojan Frog was overheard whispering in Arabic, "Al lachnlan mala wee wee." "SHHHHHH!" (translated - "I need to pee." "SHHHHH!")

Coast Guard officials declined to comment on the incident other than to say, "It's a good thing we got them when we did ... city officials had planned to take the falicious, giant frog to the zoo. God only knows how much damage they could have inflicted from there." - THE BOSTON BUGLE

This Just In ...

2009-08-09T08:43:00.002-04:00

Squirrel forces have engaged the assistance of hostile insurgents in the ground war against my bonsai trees. Obama vows to halt the masked marauders. - UPI

War on Terrorism Expanded to My Neighborhood

2009-08-09T08:26:00.003-04:00

President Obama gave the OK today for military involvement in the war on squirrels that are stealing my bonsai trees. Reliable ground sources confirm that the fuzzy-little-rats have been sneaking in at night, cloaked by darkness, and have been stealing my cute, little trees. The clever rodent bastards have been making it appear that the thefts were the work of Al-Qaeda. Said President Obama, "Their reign of terror MUST end! I will see to it that no tree is left unprotected." - AP News

Dumb and Dumber

2009-08-08T11:20:00.001-04:00

2009-08-08T02:31:00.001-04:00

Is it a bad thing that this makes sense?

2009-08-08T02:28:00.001-04:00

My guess is that beer was involved.

Scuze me, Sir, have you seen our room?

2009-08-08T01:21:00.004-04:00

True stories:

1995-ish - Sue and I had spent the entire day in a bar In New Orleans - the bartender was developing a new drink called a Georgia Pirate. He passed his developmental stages down the bar to us to drink and critique. He wanted to get it right, so there were LOTS of developmental drinks to be had. Free booze - WOO WOO!

Somehow, we got back to our hotel but spent the next half hour looking for our room. We knew it was there somewhere. But we couldn't find it after circling the entire floor about a dozen times. Finally, inibriated and embarassed, we asked a bellman walking down the hall where room 406 was ... he looked at us like we were idiots, paused, and pointed right behind us. We'd walked past it a dozen times in the last half hour. Oh, THERE it is.

The "Indian name" our friends had given me years before is "Loses Keys at Check-In". I must admit it is an appropriate name for me ... I was NOT allowed to have a hotel room key because, well, I ALWAYS lost it within about 5 minutes of checking in. But I'd never lost the entire damned room before! ... actually, that's not true. My favorite room was at a hotel in Nashville, room #1234 - that I COULD remember and find, regardless of my condition.

One of our friends was worse than that though. So much so that when we were on a trip and he got his room and knew his room number, we'd go have a button made for him to wear for the weekend that said, "If found, please return to room (whatever his room number was)". It WORKED several times and he was escorted to the right room in the middle of the night.

Don't know this guy. Wish I did.

2009-08-08T00:46:00.001-04:00

Don't know this guy. Wish I did.

2009-08-08T00:37:00.001-04:00

Metamorphosis of GI Joe

2009-08-08T00:14:00.010-04:00

GI Joe - 1960 - anatomy is lacking

GI Joe - 2009 - anatomy no longer lacking

Why I gave up alcohol

2009-08-06T05:10:00.001-04:00

Chasing tires after the bars close was fun except for the time where the tires were attached to a police cruiser. They hauled me off to the slammer. But I howled blues tunes all night until the bitch bailed me out in the morning ... three days later.

Three Beers More Often

2009-08-06T05:02:00.003-04:00

How he WISHES he got his nickname.

Exorcist scene relived

2009-08-03T16:45:00.002-04:00

I always thought that the scene in the Exorcist in which Regan is undergoing an MRI was one of the most frightening scenes in the film. I assumed the MRI's jackhammer-like sound was a Hollywood effect. It wasn't. I just had an MRI and it was SO loud, it was actually frightening. And that's with headphones on!

If our pug's head spins around in circles tonight, I'm outta there!

Perfect example ...

2009-08-03T12:45:00.001-04:00

... of my thinking process